Tuesday , 17 July 2018

My latest Jokes

Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish is an actor, comedian, blogger, joke and humor writer who lives in Woodland Hills, California.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Lou5581-768x1150.jpg 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Lou5581-684x1024.jpg 684w" sizes="(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px" />

 

Please note – Johnny Robish’s satire page has been moved to this locationRubbish In, Robish Out! 

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Johnny Robish

https://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Lou5581-768x1150... 768w, https://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Lou5581-684x1024... 684w" sizes="(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px" />Johnny Robish is an actor, comedian and joke and humor writer who lives in Woodland Hills, California.

 

https://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/HawaiianShirt-76... 768w, https://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/HawaiianShirt-68... 683w, https://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/HawaiianShirt-67... 676w" sizes="(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px" />

 

 

Please note – Johnny Robish’s satire page has been moved to this locationRubbish In, Robish Out! 

https://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Rubbish-Logo-768... 768w, https://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Rubbish-Logo-102... 1024w, https://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Rubbish-Logo-676... 676w" sizes="(max-width: 189px) 100vw, 189px" />

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Brinks Truck Dumps Hundreds of Thousands of Dollars On Interstate

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Brinks-Truck-768x... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Brinks-Truck-1024... 1024w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Brinks-Truck.jpg 1077w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Brinks Truck Dumps Hundreds of Thousands of Dollars On Interstate:  Drivers on Interstate 70 near Indianapolis were in for a pleasant surprise after the security door of a Brinks truck flew open, depositing an estimated $600,000 out onto the highway.  In the aftermath, local authorities are warning citizens that they could be charged with theft if they don’t return the money.

 

Wow, yet another shining example of the Brinks Corporation giving back to the community.  Talk about trickle down economics!  Why – as far as I’m concerned, police should be ashamed of themselves – threatening to charge those good samaritans volunteering to clean up all that trash Brinks dumped all over the highway.  Why if anyone should be charged, it should be Brinks – for littering.   

 

Now as most of you know,  I’m not all that good at math, but I’m guessing there’s roughly a 1 in 600,000 chance of people ever returning the money back.  People be like – “Oh, hello officer, here’s the fifteen bucks I found along the interstate.  And have a nice day.” 

 

Anyway, the bottom line here is – whenever an unusual scenario like this unfolds, its extremely important that we as a society take the time to ask ourselves – “what would Donald Trump do in this kind of situation?”

The post Brinks Truck Dumps Hundreds of Thousands of Dollars On Interstate appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Some Suspect Earth’s Magnetic Poles About to Flip

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Earths-Magnetic-F... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Earths-Magnetic-F... 1024w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Earths-Magnetic-F... 1096w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Some Suspect Earth’s Magnetic Poles About to Flip:  A new theory being proposed is that the Earth’s magnetic poles may be about to flip for the first time in 786,000 years.  Scientists say that even if it does happen, humans should be OK overall – but birds who typically migrate using magnetic guidance may now be forced to download the Waze app in order to navigate their way past Cleveland every summer.  Otherwise, about the only other thing people will notice is that they’ll now need to place the batteries into their electronic devices backwards.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Breastfeeding-768... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Breastfeeding.jpg 950w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Last Ice Age Affected Breastfeeding in Native Americans:  Scientists at UC Berkeley say that the last ice age may have caused a genetic mutation in Native Americans which causes the breasts to provide more fat and vitamin D to infants.  So I’m guessing before that, the only thing available in breastfeeding was either 2% or skim milk?  

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Elk-Meat.jpg 501w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Ikea Elk Lasagna Tests Positive for Pork:  Swedish retailer Ikea has been forced to stop sales of its elk-meat lasagna in stores after testing showed that the elk lasagna also contained pork.  OK, but two questions come to mind.  First, who the hell eats “elk-meat lasagna” and secondly, who buys their food at Ikea?

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Lobbyist Helped Arrange Scott Pruitt’s $100,000 Trip to Morocco

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Scott-Pruitt-768x... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Scott-Pruitt-1024... 1024w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Scott-Pruitt.jpg 1200w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Lobbyist Helped Arrange Scott Pruitt’s $100,000 Trip to Morocco:  It’s being reported that Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt’s controversial $100,000 trip to Morocco last year was arranged by Pruitt’s longtime friend and Comcast lobbyist, who accompanied him on much of the trip.  

 

Gee, who knew the EPA’s jurisdiction extended clear to Morocco?  Reminds me of during the campaign when the President said America was broken and only he knows how to “fix it.”  Well, it appears that by “fix it” – he meant like the 1919 World Series was “fixed.”  So, where’s Shoeless Joe Jackson when we really need him?  

 

Now is it just me, or has Trump managed to staff his entire cabinet full of Bond villains?  Come on, Scott Pruitt actually sued the EPA 14 times before Trump appointed him as head.  Call me paranoid, but if you’re the Mayor of Gotham, it’s probably not a good idea to put the Joker in charge of the city’s electrical grid.  I mean, you know you’re looking at some serious corruption – when even the Mafia is scratching their heads wondering “how the hell are they getting away with all that?”

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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Sources Say John Kelly Called President Trump an Idiot

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Gen-Kelly.jpg 755w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Sources Say John Kelly Called President Trump an Idiot:  Though he is denying it, eight current and former White House officials are claiming that White House chief of staff John Kelly is eroding morale in the West Wing, makes insulting comments about the president’s intelligence and casts himself as the savior of the country.

 

Wait a minute, are you telling me John Kelly is claiming he doesn’t really think Trump is an idiot?  Why he must be an idiot.  Put another way, at this point in the Trump presidency, anyone who doesn’t think Trump is an idiot – must be a moron.  Good grief, I’m not sure which would be the worst job, being a latrine cleaner at an interstate rest stop, or President Trump’s chief of staff.  

 

In related news, one source with close ties to Gen Kelly is vehemently denying the idiot accusations, saying she was in the room at the time and she distinctly remembers Gen Kelly calling Trump an imbecile – not an idiot.  Others claim Gen Kelly actually meant to call Trump an idiot savant – but minus the savant part!

 

Anyway, the bottom line is that if Gen Kelly did in fact call President Trump an idiot, then in all fairness – we need to give the President credit for finally hiring someone who shares the collective beliefs of the majority of Americans.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

NRA to Ban Firearms When Pence Speaks at Their Meeting

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Mike-Pence.jpg 740w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />NRA to Ban Firearms When Pence Speaks at Their Meeting:  Parkland students and others are crying hypocrisy after the National Rifle Association (NRA) – who’s working motto has always been we need more “good guys” with guns around – has decided there should be no firearms allowed when Vice President Pence speaks at its annual meeting.

 

Wow, it almost sounds as if – unlike Parkland students, the NRA believes Mike Pence deserves to have himself a “safe space.”  But all kidding aside, I understand where the NRA coming from on this one.  I mean, suppose some fully-armed, NRA quick-draw buckaroo decides the Vice President sounded just a wee bit too liberal on some issue, and then God proceeds to tell this buckaroo that its his duty to take Pence out in order to preserve the “American Way of Life.”  That could be a bit embarrassing for the NRA.   

 

Anyway, no matter how much the libs mock this decision, the simple truth is the NRA really does believe the lives of our kids matter too – just not as much as Mike Pence’s.  See – it all comes down to the numbers – the world is full of kids, but we only have one Vice President Mike Pence – do the math.  

 

Of course, someone around Pence will need to be armed.  I mean, suppose some pesky female (other than his wife) attempts to have an unchaperoned lunch with him?  Imagine the horrors!  Anyway, I believe I have a very simple solution for this whole mess.  Instead of banning all guns from the event and therefore depriving loyal NRA members of the cherished 2nd Amendment rights, just bring in armed teachers to protect Pence.  Hard to imagine how a place could get any safer than that.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

New Model Year TV’s on Sale

New Model Year TV’s on Sale:  Finally broke down and picked myself up a new TV. Now I’m a little short on cash, so I had to go for a 1950 model – which means it didn’t come with a remote – but the salesman assured me that one should be available in another 25 years.

 

Art Gallery Discovers Over Half Its Paintings are Fakes:  An art gallery in the south of France, dedicated to the Catalan artist Étienne Terrus in Elne, has discovered that more than half of its collection of paintings are actually forgeries.  Museum officials urge art patrons to look on the positive side.  After all, the museum is still “half full” of authentic art.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Chanel-300x300.jpg 300w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Chanel.jpg 480w" sizes="(max-width: 150px) 100vw, 150px" />Chanel Announces Plan to Offer “Jersey” Perfume:  Legendary French fashion and fragrance house Chanel has created a new perfume called “Jersey,” which they describe as ”relaxed chic with a dash of liberation.”  My God, could this perfume possibly be named after New Jersey?  If so, I’m assuming its gonna be referred to as “Chanel No. 2.”

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Site Tip!

Did you know that we have thousands of comedy topics? You can click on the large topic image in a joke or video for more hilarity on that subject or use the search to find what you are looking for.

Bill Gates Warns of Pandemic That Could Harm 33 Million

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Bill-Grates-768x6... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Bill-Grates-1024x... 1024w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Bill-Grates.jpg 1187w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Bill Gates Warns of Pandemic That Could Harm 33 Million:  Bill Gates says the U.S. and other world governments are falling short in preparing the world population for the “significant probability of a large modern-day pandemic occurring in our lifetimes.”  Gates went on to add that if we don’t contain this treat now, its quite possible the majority of computers worldwide could be using the Mac Operating System instead of Windows in just a few short years.

 

Scientists Can Now Keep Pig’s Brain Alive Outside Its Body:  A team of scientists recently revealed they were able to keep the brain of a pig alive outside of its body for 36 hours after it had been decapitated.  I kind of feel sorry for the brain, because when you’re attached to a piece of equipment like that – its hard to get a head in life.  Always the optimist, the pig’s brain told friends – “don’t worry, I’ll be bacon my feet in no time.”

 

Golden State Killer Case Has Implications for Genetic Privacy:  The recent arrest of the Golden State Killer, where investigators used the open-source genetic database GEDmatch to explore family trees and see whether any contained matches to DNA samples from the crime scenes, is raising questions about how our genetic information is being used and who has access to it.  One thing’s for sure, companies specializing in genetic code research are sure gonna lose a large percentage of their serial killer market.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Amazon Doubles Profits – Then Hikes Prime Membership Fees

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Amazon-Prime-768x... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Amazon-Prime-1024... 1024w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Amazon-Prime.jpg 1200w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Amazon Doubles Profits – Then Hikes Prime Membership Fees:  After announcing that profits more than doubled in the first quarter, Amazon said they will be hiking their fees of the popular Amazon Prime service by 20% to $119 a year.  Profits double and they’re raising their Prime membership fees?  Good grief, Jeff Bezos is the richest man in the world – just how much more money does need?  I’m guessing $127 Billion just doesn’t stretch like it used to – especially when you factor in things like this Amazon Prime rate hike.  

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Mars-Rocks.jpg 624w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Space Agencies Plan to Deliver Mars Rocks to Earth:  NASA and ESA have signed a letter of intent that could lead to the first “round trip” to another planet (Mars), where they would retrieve rocks from the Martian surface and then send them back on Earth for study.  Yea, like we don’t already have enough rocks here on Earth!  How about just following me around while I try and mow the backyard some weekend and then try and tell me Earth needs more damn rocks.  And hell, that doesn’t even count all the rocks some of the people I know have piled up in their heads. 

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Colliding-Galaxie... 600w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Astronomers Find 14 Galaxies About to Collide:  Astronomers looked deep into outer space and have discovered at least 14 galaxies about lot crash into each other.  In what may be more bad news for the troubled company, many of those colliding galaxies are believed to have been utilizing early versions of Tesla’s self-driving software.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Michael Cohen to Invoke the Fifth in Stormy Daniels Case

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Michael-Cohen.jpg 618w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Michael Cohen to Invoke the Fifth in Stormy Daniels Case:  Its being reported that Donald Trump’s longtime attorney Michael Cohen, plans to take the fifth in a lawsuit brought by adult entertainer Stormy Daniels.

 

Well, well, well – seems Mr Trump’s has indeed hired all the best people.  My God, not even Al Capone’s lawyer took the fifth.  To be completely fair, I suppose if I were in Michael Cohen’s shoes, I’d probably take the fifth too…either a fifth of Jack Daniel’s or a nice bottle of fine Kentucky bourbon to be specific. 

 

But gee, didn’t the President repeatedly tell supporters that “only mobsters and criminals take the fifth?”  Guess I’ll have to side with the President on this one.  Next thing you know, Trump will be tweeting he barely knew this Michael Corleone guy.  Whoops, my mistake, I meant Michael Cohen.

 

Anyway, the point is, this case is getting so out of control – with everything from Russian agents to shady financiers to sexy porn stars involved, that by the time Donald Trump gets around to testifying – he’ll probably have to take the “fiftieth” – because by then, taking the fifth just won’t be enough.  Which leads me to my last question, wonder if Sean Hannity’s still hitting up Michael Cohen for free legal advice?

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California
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