Saturday , 10 December 2016

My latest Jokes

Trump Chooses Fast-Food CEO Puzder for Labor Secretary

Trump Chooses Fast-Food CEO Puzder for Labor Secretary:  President-elect Donald Trump has chosen fast-food executive Andrew Puzder to be the nation’s next labor secretary, tasked with enforcing workplace safety and wage laws on behalf of U.S. workers.

 

Guess it takes a really astute businessman like Donald Trump to realize how sick and tired most Americans are with of all those burdensome child labor laws and 8-hour days.  Of course, when they repeal all of our healthcare and labor laws, it might not be such great of an idea to be sick and tired – but I digress.

 

Future Labor Secretary Puzder points out that if we don’t do away with all the rules regarding overtime and minimum wages, impoverished workers could lose the very jobs who’s extremely low wages and meager benefits all but assure that they’ll continue living in abject poverty.

 

So let’s see – we’re now gonna have an opponent of organized labor running the Department of Labor, a man who hates the idea of environmental protection in charge of EPA, a billionaire who’s bank made a fortune squeezing people on foreclosures in charge of the Treasury and to top it all off, someone who hates the idea of public schools at the helm of the Department of Education.

 

Now I’m the first to admit that I’m no public policy wonk, but I don’t think even Putin or Kim Jong-un could have imagined being able to pull that one off.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Oregon Couple Tip Waitress With Crystal Meth

Oregon Couple Tip Waitress With Crystal Meth:  An Oregon couple, out to dinner at a charming resort town steakhouse, got themselves arrested for deciding to tip their waitress with an envelope full of crystal meth.  The couple defended leaving the meth tip, pointing out that service there has always been notoriously slow and they felt this might be a good way to speed things up a bit.

 

Steven Seagal to Promote Russian Arms Industry:  Deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Rogozin announced that action star Steven Seagal has just signed a deal to be the face promoting Russia’s arms industry.  It just might work.  Hell, he even looks like he just swallowed one of their tanks – whole.

 

Sex Between Neanderthals and Humans:  New DNA analyses indicates Neanderthals may have passed on a DNA fragment to humans, indicating a strong likelihood that humans did in fact have sex with Neanderthals.  Scientists say they are extremely hopeful this type of research will one day provide an explanation as to what Maria Shriver ever saw in Arnold Schwarzenegger.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Threat Made Against L.A. Rail Line

Threat Made Against L.A. Rail Line:  Federal and Los Angeles officials said they had been alerted by authorities in another country to a “specific” threat against the city’s Red Line commuter rail system, prompting them to beef up security and alert the public.  Relieved LA officials say its a good thing that only public transportation was threatened, because there’s little or no chance anyone would ever use that anyway.

 

U.S. Plans to Make F-16 Fighter Jets in India:  As a new American president bent on retaining American jobs prepares to take office, the U.S. defense industry is working on a deal with the Indian government to build iconic U.S. combat aircraft in India.  On a positive note, if anything ever goes wrong with the plane, it won’t be a long distance call to get in touch with tech support.

 

China Group Readies Titanic Tourist Simulation:  China’s Star Energy Investment Group has officially begun construction of a new, controversial tourist attraction in southern China, featuring a life-size replica of the Titanic, which they say will allow visitors to experience first hand what it was like to hit an iceberg.  And should this venture prove successful, the company has plans to build another theme park centered around the space shuttle Columbia disaster.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Elvis Impersonator Released Over Poison Letters

elvis-impersonatorElvis Impersonator Released Over Poison Letters:  Police say a 45-year-old part-time Elvis impersonator has been released from jail after having been accused of sending poison-filled letters to President Obama.  Luckily for the other inmates, his release came just moments before he was about to sing “Jailhouse Rock.”

 

bibleFewer Hotels Are Placing Bibles in Rooms:  Due to changing cultural values and religious demographics, researchers say fewer and fewer hotels are placing Bibles in their rooms.  Thus fulfilling an old Gene Simmons’ prophesy, guess we’ll all be “living in sin at the Holiday Inn.”

 

a-shepherdGreek Shepherds Can Whistle Entire Conversations:  Researchers say they were surprised to find that shepherds in a remote Greek village can whistle entire conversations, favoring whistling over spoken words because the sound waves travel much farther and allow them to communicate between distant hillsides.  What’s the big deal?  Hell, construction workers have been using whistling to get their point across for years.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Trump Takes to Twitter Again to Attack Baldwin’s SNL Impersonation

alec-baldwinTrump Takes to Twitter Again to Attack Baldwin’s SNL Impersonation:  President-elect Donald Trump once again took to Twitter to express his displeasure with Alec Baldwin’s portrayal of him on Saturday Night Live, claiming Baldwin’s impersonation of him is “unwatchable” and “just can’t get any worse.”  Perhaps, but I think I’d take Baldwin’s impersonation of Trump over Trump’s impersonation of a president any day.

 

baby-born-in-flightBaby Born Mid-Flight Forces Emergency Landing:  A Southwest Airlines plane flight had to make an emergency landing in Charleston after a baby was born in the middle of the flight.  Southwest officials say that while they’re extremely happy for the new parents, that doesn’t mean the kid flies free.

 

conspiracy-theoryFake Clinton News Story Leads Man to Shoot-Up Pizza Joint:  Police say a North Carolina man who shot-up a popular Washington pizza restaurant attempting to “self-investigate” a fake news story about Hillary Clinton and her top campaign aide operating a child abuse ring in the basement of the restaurant, has been charged with assault with a dangerous weapon.  Trump supporters say even thought the allegations proved to be false, it will certainly make Hillary think twice before attempting to abuse small children in a pizza restaurant.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Hawaii’s Highest Peaks Get Two Feet of Snow

hawaiiHawaii’s Highest Peaks Get Two Feet of Snow:  The two highest peaks on Hawaii’s Big Island have been hit with a cold, wet storm that’s dumped 2 feet of snow, with an additional foot expected this weekend.  Wow, makes me feel very fortunate to be able to pass the time relaxing in the warm, gentle breeze blowing through the scenic, rustling palms on the beautiful shores of Lake Erie here in Cleveland.

 

fascismMerriam-Webster Says Most Looked Up Word for 2016 is Fascism:  Merriam-Webster reports its looking as if their 2016 “Word of the Year” – the word with the most lookups each year – is going to be “fascism” – which denotes an authoritarian, suppressive, nationalistic, centralized government led by an autocrat.  Thank goodness we’ve elected Donald Trump who’d never let anything like that happen.

 

lawsuitReligious Nebraska Woman Sues All Homosexuals:  A 66-year-old woman who describes herself as an “ambassador of “God and his son Jesus Christ,” has filed a lawsuit in Nebraska against every gay person on Earth, asking a federal judge to rule on whether homosexuality is a sin.  Wow, sounds like they’re gonna need a pretty big courtroom.  Good grief, this women even has Jesus saying “oh for Christ’s sake!”

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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New York Thief Grabs Pot of Gold Off Armored Truck

gold-thiefNew York Thief Grabs Pot of Gold Off Armored Truck:  New York police are searching for a green-clad man who swiped an 86-pound pail of gold flakes off an armored truck and then disappeared with the estimated $1.6 million in treasure.  Police say a dog may have assisted in the heist, adding that their guess is it was most likely a golden retriever.

 

playboyPlaymate Booked for Methamphetamine Possession:  A former Playboy Playmate has been booked for felony possession of methamphetamine after being stopped for running a stop sign in Hollywood.  The former model claimed everything seemed to be happening so fast, she didn’t even notice the stop sign.

 

oldest-personWorld’s Oldest Person Marks 117th Birthday:  Emma Morano, thought to be the world’s oldest person and the last person alive born in the 1800’s, celebrated her 117th birthday in Italy, still swearing by her diet of two raw eggs a day.  I love hearing stories like this because I intend to live forever and I gotta tell ya – so far, so good.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Howard Schultz Stepping Down as Starbucks CEO

howard-schultz

Howard Schultz Stepping Down as Starbucks CEO:  Howard Schultz announced he will be stepping down as chief executive of Starbucks Corp to devote his time to developing a new high-end coffee shop for the coffeehouse chain.  Schultz says the high-end coffee shops will be targeting those folks who feel strongly that dropping five or six bucks for a cup of coffee just isn’t enough.

 

kanye-westKanye West Released From Hospital:  Its being reported that rapper Kanye West has been released from UCLA Medical Center, after spending several days hospitalized from exhaustion.  Meanwhile, scores of people across the country are reporting feelings of exhaustion from the endless bombardment of stories about Kanye and the Kardashians.

 

five-pound-notesVegans Furious About Beef Fat in New £5 Notes:  Many vegans and members of several faith groups are expressing outrage after the Bank of England issued new £5 notes which contain traces of beef fat.  And while this may seem harmless enough, its being reported that some of the notes are being spent at vegetarian restaurants.  Meanwhile, bank officials are advising anyone who has a beef with the new £5 notes to spend them instead of eating them.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Air-Conditioner Maker Carrier Will Not to Send Jobs to Mexico

carrierAir-Conditioner Maker Carrier Will Not to Send Jobs to Mexico:  Donald Trump has reportedly made a deal with air-conditioner manufacturer Carrier not to close two factories in Mike Pence’s home state of Indiana, preventing 1000 jobs from going to Mexico.  Good thing too, because with Donald Trump the only person standing between us and global warming, we’re definitely gonna need those air-conditioners.

 

civil-war-deathsNew Estimates Raise Civil War Death Toll:  A researcher at Binghamton University in New York has determined that Civil War casualties were 20 percent higher than what had been the official number for at least 110 years.  Fine, but I assume its a bit late to notify the families.

 

donald-and-mittMitt Romney Praises Trump After NY Dinner:  Characterizing their New York dinner of carefully prepared frog legs “a wonderful evening,” Mitt Romney generously praised the man he once called a phony and a fraud, saying he has “increasing hope” that Donald Trump can lead the country to a “better future.”  I’m guessing that means Trump must have picked up the check.  And when the waiter asked Romney what he’ll be having, he said “I’ll be eating Crow.”

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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Squirrel With Plague Detected In California Campground

squirrelhttp://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Squirrel-300x300.png 300w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Squirrel.png 450w" sizes="(max-width: 150px) 100vw, 150px" />Squirrel With Plague Detected In California Campground:  According to a public health advisory, a ground squirrel found in a Los Angeles-area campground has tested positive for plague, causing authorities to shut down part of the Angeles National Forest for at least a week.  In an angry late night tweet, President-elect Donald Trump promised that as soon as he takes office, he plans to look into revoking squirrel camping privileges in all of our nation’s National Parks.

 

hawkinghttp://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Hawking-1-300x300... 300w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Hawking-1.jpg 630w" sizes="(max-width: 150px) 100vw, 150px" />Hawking Issues Another Warning to Humanity:  Fresh from warning us about the dangers of contacting ET, renowned theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking is now appearing in an anti-obesity campaign ad for a Swedish non-profit, cautioning everyone that obesity is one of the most serious public health problems of the 21st century.  One thing’s for sure, when that Stephen Hawking workout video comes out, that should bring a lot of attention for the cause.

 

speed-of-lightTheory Challenging Einstein’s Speed to Be Tested:  A new paper describes for the first time how scientists can test a controversial idea that speed of light is not a constant as Einstein claimed.  Fine, test anything you want, but just don’t screw up my GPS.  I have to be somewhere tomorrow afternoon.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

CVS Employees Call Cops On Black Men Asking To Buy Cheese

cvs-cheeseCVS Employees Call Cops On Black Men Asking To Buy Cheese:  CVS has apologized after employees in Carytown, Virginia called police after two black men entered the store and asked them if they sold sliced cheese.

 

Employees defended their actions by saying those two guys were asking for it – yea, they were asking for sliced cheese.  Cheez Whiz, sounds like those employees didn’t know Jack about cheese.  No matter how you slice it, this sounds like some cheesy conspiracy to me.

 

And, while I feel sorry for those two customers, I’ve gotta be honest here – I’m kind of scared of being around people who eat a lot of cheese myself.  Besides, you never know what someone will do when you tell them you have no Kraft singles.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Trump Claims Serious Voter Fraud in Three States

donald-trumpTrump Claims Serious Voter Fraud in Three States:  Even though he has no evidence, President-elect Donald Trump is now claiming he actually won the popular vote, because there was “serious voter fraud” in Virginia, New Hampshire and California.  And really, who better to identify fraud than the man who just signed-off on a $25 million fraud charge against his Trump University?

 

ERJ-175LR  N404YX  msn367  DCA  4/10/14  Opb Republic AirlinesDrunk American Eagle Pilot Arrested Before Takeoff:  An American Eagle pilot preparing for liftoff was arrested after witnesses found the pilot to be smelling of alcohol before getting on his plane at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport.  The pilot defended his actions, claiming he only takes a quick drink just to calm his nerves because he’s afraid of heights.

 

narendra-modiIndia’s Prime Minister Defends a Cashless Society:  Prime Minister Narendra Modi defended his government’s controversial move to “demonetize” India by going totally digital, saying a cashless society would help protect the poor and middle class.  What’s the big controversy?  Hell, if its anything like here in the US, the poor and middle classes have been essentially cashless for a long time now anyway.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California
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