Thursday , 26 April 2018

My latest Jokes

Michael Cohen to Invoke the Fifth in Stormy Daniels Case

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Michael-Cohen.jpg 618w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Michael Cohen to Invoke the Fifth in Stormy Daniels Case:  Its being reported that Donald Trump’s longtime attorney Michael Cohen, plans to take the fifth in a lawsuit brought by adult entertainer Stormy Daniels.

 

Well, well, well – seems Mr Trump’s has indeed hired all the best people.  My God, not even Al Capone’s lawyer took the fifth.  To be completely fair, I suppose if I were in Michael Cohen’s shoes, I’d probably take the fifth too…either a fifth of Jack Daniel’s or a nice bottle of fine Kentucky bourbon to be specific. 

 

But gee, didn’t the President repeatedly tell supporters that “only mobsters and criminals take the fifth?”  Guess I’ll have to side with the President on this one.  Next thing you know, Trump will be tweeting he barely knew this Michael Corleone guy.  Whoops, my mistake, I meant Michael Cohen.

 

Anyway, the point is, this case is getting so out of control – with everything from Russian agents to shady financiers to sexy porn stars involved, that by the time Donald Trump gets around to testifying – he’ll probably have to take the “fiftieth” – because by then, taking the fifth just won’t be enough.  Which leads me to my last question, wonder if Sean Hannity’s still hitting up Michael Cohen for free legal advice?

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Amazon to Start Offering In-Car Deliveries

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Amazon-768x461.jpg 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Amazon-1024x614.jpg 1024w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Amazon.jpg 1240w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Amazon to Start Offering In-Car Deliveries:  In a deal with General Motors Co. and Volvo which will give its couriers access to potentially millions of vehicles in 37 U.S. markets, Amazon announced it will now start delivering packages right to your car.  Analysts say this service will be perfect for those busy professionals who are sick and tired of listening to thieves complaining about people who never have anything in their cars worth stealing.

 

Manhattan Project Scientist George Cowan to be Honored:  Nuclear chemist George Cowan, who passed away a few years ago at age 92, is scheduled to be honored for being one of the most influential scientists who worked on the famed Manhattan Project during World War II.  He apparently did a pretty good job, because Manhattan turned out to be a very popular place to live. 

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Easter-Egg-Hunt-7... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Easter-Egg-Hunt.jpg 800w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Knoxville Woman Discovers Dead Body During Easter Egg Hunt:  A Knoxville, Tennessee woman made a grisly discovery while she and her 3-year-old son were hunting for Easter eggs in her backyard – when she noticed tennis shoes in the crawl space under her deck and realized it was a dead body.  Neighbors advised her that because the body was discovered over the Easter weekend, it might be a good idea to wait about three days before she attempts to bury it. 

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Aliens on Super-Earth Planets May Be Trapped by Gravity

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Super-Earths-768x... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Super-Earths-1024... 1024w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Super-Earths.jpg 1217w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Aliens on Super-Earth Planets May Be Trapped by Gravity:  Researchers say that while so-called super-earths may be the most likely class of exoplanets to support life, the gravity on them would be so powerful, it would make it very unlikely any beings on them would even be able to leave their planet.  

 

Either that, or they’re a civilization of Trump supporters – and they believe their super-earth is flat and the sky above then is totally fake.  From that point of view, what would be the point of trying to leave?  Or perhaps these beings reside on an exoplanet planet made almost entirely of Velveeta cheese – and their alien civilization has become so addicted to grilled cheese sandwiches, they can’t bare to leave.  As you can see, there’s so many possible answers here. 

 

That said, one thing most scientists do agree upon is that the gravity on these super exoplanets planets would be so profound, it would be nearly impossible for any aliens living there to unzip their flies just to take a leak – and they most likely would be forced to pee right in their pants.  Obviously, life on a massive super-earth isn’t quite as glamorous as some make it out to be.  As for me – all I know is that gravity is the force allowing me to remain on my couch for long periods of time watching cable TV – and for that, I’m eternally grateful.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Sylvester Stallone Asks Trump To Pardon Boxer Jack Johnson

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Jack-Johnson-768x... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Jack-Johnson.jpg 900w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Sylvester Stallone Asks Trump To Pardon Boxer Jack Johnson:  After receiving a phone call from his loyal supporter Sylvester Stallone, President Trump tweeted that he’s now considering issuing a presidential pardon for former heavyweight boxing champion Jack Johnson, who was convicted under the Mann Act of transporting his white girlfriend across state lines.     

 

Gee, who knew Donald Trump was a Jack Johnson admirer?  Its almost beginning to sound like President Trump really does care about black people – or at least those who’ve been dead for 75 years.  Of course, in Trump’s defense – its probably a pretty safe bet to assume he has no idea whether or not Jack Johnson’s even dead.  

 

But why now – and out of the blue – all of a sudden?  I’m sure it didn’t have anything to do with stealing some of the thunder away from former First Lady Barbara Bush’s funeral.  And gee, wonder if Trump’s Jack Johnson enthusiasm would’ve have been quite as strong had it been Robert De Niro instead of Sylvester Stallone bringing up the pardon?  That said, what I find rather odd is why Trump’s close pal Frederick Douglass never mentioned it to him before?  

 

Anyway, after the Johnson pardon, my guess is that the President’s next big humanitarian move will be to pardon all the Salem witches.  After all, how many times have we all heard the President ranting about how much he hates “witch hunts?”

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Michelle Pfeiffer Lived on Tomato Soup and Marlboros for Scarface

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Michelle-Pfeiffer... 306w" sizes="(max-width: 275px) 100vw, 275px" />Michelle Pfeiffer Lived on Tomato Soup and Marlboros for Scarface:  During a recent interview, Michelle Pfeiffer revealed that during her career-making role as Elvira Hancock in the 1983 film “Scarface,” she subsisted solely on a diet of “tomato soup and Marlboros” to play the part of the cocaine-addicted character.  Are you kidding? She still looks emaciated to me.  What the hell is she living on now, 2 cans of soup and only a half pack of cigarettes?  For God’s sake, someone get her a frigg’n sandwich!

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Domestic-Cow.jpg 640w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Study Finds Earth’s Mammals Have Shrunk Dramatically:  A new study in the journal “Science” predicts that in a few hundred years, the largest land mammal may very well be the domestic cow – placing the blame squarely on humanity.  Yea, well I’m not so sure about that.  All I know is – if we keep slamming down Big Macs, fried chicken and pizza at the current pace, it won’t be all that long till many of us end up way bigger than any of those cows they’re talking about.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Single-Family-Hom... 640w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Single Family Homes on the Decline:  As more people in the United States are choosing to live in cities, the predominant housing structure – the single-family home – is expected to experience a significant decline over the next decade.  Unfortunately, its beginning to look like many of those “single family homes” are now being replaced by cardboard boxes.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Germany Opens World’s First All Sex Doll Brothel

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Doll-Brothel.jpg 488w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Germany Opens World’s First All Sex Doll Brothel:  A bizarre sex-doll brothel named “Bordoll” has just opened in Germany, where patrons pay $101 per hour for a session and brothel management claims 70 percent of their patrons are repeat customers.  Good grief, sounds like even more jobs lost to robots.  On a positive note, if there’s a flood, these can probably also be used as a floatation device.  My only question is, does anyone know what the manufacturer’s recommended PSI for these dolls happens to be? 

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Mice.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 225px) 100vw, 225px" />Mice With Human Brains Created in New Study:  Scientists have succeeded in implanting human brain cells into mice pups, which resulted in the animals growing a brain that was both human and rodent which researchers hope may one-day help them better understand how the human brain develops as well as provide replacement parts.  Despite having human brains, the mice were still apparently unable to speak and remained mute.  Finally, after trying numerous times, frustrated researchers decided to ask – “what’s the matter – cat got your tongue? 

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Margo-Georgiadis-... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Margo-Georgiadis.... 800w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Mattel CEO to Step Down After 14 Months:  Toy giant Mattel Inc. announced that CEO Margo Georgiadis has informed the board she will be stepping down to pursue a new opportunity in the technology sector.  At first, the board didn’t take her resignation seriously, until she finally had to ask them, “what’s it gonna take for you guys to realize I’m not toying around here?”

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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Ugandan Dictator Wants to Outlaw Oral Sex

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Ban-Oral-Sex.jpg 500w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Ugandan Dictator Wants to Outlaw Oral Sex:  In a recent speech, socially conservative evangelical leader and Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni indicated he wants to ban oral sex, reminding citizens that “the mouth is for eating.” 

 

Of course, to make it all legal, Uganda will have to incorporate the proclamation into their penal code.  As it stands now – the prohibition isn’t written, its just oral.  Ironically, after reading this, a lot of people are gonna think that Uganda really sucks – and that would be a real blow to the country!  

 

All I can say is, good luck trying to implement something like that in somewhere like Australia – I mean, the whole place is called “down under.”  Good grief, now that I think about it – this kind of makes me wonder if my last girlfriend could have been from Uganda?  Anyway, the bottom line is obviously, oral sex isn’t for everyone – it comes down to a matter of taste!

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

CIA Director Mike Pompeo Met Secretly With Kim Jong-un

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Kim-amd-Pompeo.jpg 750w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />CIA Director Mike Pompeo Met Secretly With Kim Jong-un:  The Washington Post is re[porting that CIA Director Mike Pompeo secretly met with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un over the Easter weekend.  Now about the only question that remains to be answered is – can they convince Kim to agree to offer Trump asylum after the Mueller investigation closes in?

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Starbucks-768x576... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Starbucks.jpg 950w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Starbucks to Close All Stores in May for Racial Bias Training:  Starbucks announced it will close all 8,000 of its US stores for the afternoon of May 29th, while it conducts what it called “racial bias training” in light of the recent arrest of two black men who were waiting in one the coffee giant’s Philadelphia locations.  Hell, Starbucks employees don’t need no stinking training.  They appear to be pretty damn good at racial bias already.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Meteorite.jpeg 301w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Scientists Say Meteorite Filled with Diamonds are From Lost Planet:  Scientists say diamonds found inside a meteorite have revealed the story of a “lost planet,” dating back to the era when our solar system was first formed.  Come on, a lost planet?  Now just how the hell do you lose a planet and why does it have to be the one full off diamonds?  One thing’s for sure, this just goes to show how wealthy those aliens are – if they can afford to throw diamonds at us!

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Asteroid Passes Close to Earth Just Hours After Being Discovered

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Asteroid.jpg 620w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Asteroid Passes Close to Earth Just Hours After Being Discovered:  An asteroid estimated to be at least 150 feet in diameter made an alarmingly close pass to Earth, just hours after it was first observed by astronomers.  After the news broke, people across the globe immediately demanded to know why Morgan Freeman didn’t bother to make some sort of announcement.  Meanwhile, Trump advisors say should it come too close, they’ll send up a rocket full of Preparation H and shrink it down to 75 feet.

 

Study Shows Poverty Rate in Hawaii is Growing:  US Census figures show that the number of people living in poverty in Hawaii has grown to 12.5%.  Researchers say things in the state have gotten so bad, many residents have no idea where their next tan is coming from.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Elevator-768x571.jpg 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Elevator.jpg 1000w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />NY Man Sets Woman On Fire in Elevator:  Police say a man has confessed to killing a woman by dowsing her with a flammable liquid and then setting her on fire in a Brooklyn elevator.  As his defense, the man claimed that the elevator was extremely cold and she was the only thing around that looked like it would burn.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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Opiate Abuse Causes Spike in US Hard Drug Usage

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Hard-Drugs-150x15... 150w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Hard-Drugs.jpg 645w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Opiate Abuse Causes Spike in US Hard Drug Usage:  A new government survey found that “hard drug” use among Americans is increasing dramatically, which experts attribute to an increase in opioid abuse.  I guess it all comes done to how you define “hard drugs.”  Now for law enforcement – I suppose it means drugs like heroin or cocaine.  On the other hand, for people like Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels, “hard drugs” means Viagra and Cialis.  

 

AARP Quietly Launches Internet Radio Service:  AARP has quietly introduced a free Internet radio service geared toward listeners who 50 and older.  Hell, AARP launching the station “quietly” is a smart move.  That way, you’re not gonna wake up all those seniors in the middle their damn naps.

 

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Face-Stubble.jpg 600w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Heavy Stubble Makes Men Attractive To Women:  A new study conducted by researchers in Australia found that women prefer men with heavy stubble over clean-shaven guys.  OK – so much for asking your girlfriend to get that fancy new razor for you next Christmas.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Smithsonian Publishes Controversial Article on Jellyfish

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Jellyfish-768x511... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Jellyfish.jpg 1024w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Smithsonian Publishes Controversial Article on Jellyfish:  An article in Smithsonian Magazine claims that jellyfish are essentially a boneless, bloodless and brainless species whose mouth also doubles as their anus.  Now I have no idea what the Smithsonian has against jellyfish, but this is the kind of hurtful name-calling is not exactly what one would expect from a respected scientific journal and it needs to stop now.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/March-for-Science... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/March-for-Science... 1024w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/March-for-Science... 1060w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Thousands Attend 2018 March For Science:  Thousands of protesters in 250 rallies around the world marched to advocate for science policies to be involved in policymaker’s everyday conversations.  Well, guess we don’t have to ask what the Kardashians did over the weekend.  Sadly, many others said they would have attended, but they didn’t feel there was strong enough evidence there was even gonna be a march.

 

Rental Car Agent Finds Body in Back Seat of Returned Car:  Los Angeles police say a car rental agency employee got a big surprise in a Jefferson Park alley when he went to retrieve a car and found a woman’s dead body in the back seat.  Angry car rental employees sat the contract plainly specifies that any dead bodies are to be dropped off up on Mulholland Drive, not left in the back seat of our cars.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Green-Haired Turtle that Breathes Through Genitals Added to Endangered List

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Mary-River-Turtle... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Mary-River-Turtle... 933w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Green-Haired Turtle that Breathes Through Genitals Added to Endangered List:  The Mary River turtle of Queensland, Australia, which breaths through its genitals and sports a punky green Mohican hairdo, has been placed on a new list of the most vulnerable reptile species on the planet.  Now, of course, we’ve all known people who talk out of their ass, but come on – breathing through your genitals is quite a feat.  

 

Study Finds Flat Earth Believers Tend to Be Young:  A new survey found that 34 percent of 18- to 24-year-olds entertain some doubts about whether the Earth is actually round.  Good grief, sounds like we flat out need to see that these millennials get a more well-rounded education. 

 

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Big-Nosed-Dinosau... 465w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />

Huge-Nosed Dinosaur Found in Utah:  Paleontologists have discovered a new dinosaur which had a humongous nose that lived 76-million years ago in what is now Utah.  Ironically, if that dinosaur were to come back to life today, he’d likely find not a whole helluva lot has changed in Utah over the last  76 million years.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California
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