Thursday , 29 September 2016

My latest Jokes

Elon Musk Unveils Plan to Colonize Mars

elon-muskElon Musk Unveils Plan to Colonize Mars:  Billionaire tech entrepreneur Elon Musk has finally unveiled his hotly-anticipated plan to send humans to live on Mars.  I may not be the visionary Elon Musk is – but frankly, I don’t get it.  I mean, if someone has their heart set on living in an inhospitable environment where there is no cultural life, no breathable air and probably no potable water, why not just move to Flint, Michigan or Cleveland?

 

killersStudy Suggests Humans Predisposed to Murder:  New research out of Spain suggest that humans are predisposed to murder each other, but it still remains unclear whether it’s because of genetics or if other factors are involved.  To prevent further violence, researchers suggest that everyone immediately go to the nearest police station and turn themselves in.

 

carson-wentzhttp://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Carson-Wentz-300x... 300w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Carson-Wentz-768x... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Carson-Wentz-1024... 1024w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Carson-Wentz.jpg 1200w" sizes="(max-width: 150px) 100vw, 150px" />

Eagles Carson Wentz Named NFC Offensive Player of the Week:  After his stellar performance against the Steelers in which he completed 23 of 31 attempts for 301 yards and two touchdowns in a 34-3 win, Philadelphia Eagles star rookie Carson Wentz has been named the NFC Offensive Player of the Week.  I don’t get it, what’s so offensive about that?

 

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

First-Ever Baby Born With DNA From Three People

baby-with-three-parentsFirst-Ever Baby Born With DNA From Three People:  Hoping to prevent a child from inheriting a fatal genetic disease from its mother, scientists say a baby has been born using a new technique that combines DNA from three different people.  Geez, talk about “who’s your daddy?”  And when he gets older, I can see him telling friends “My mother?  Let me tell you about my Mother!”  Not to mention he will become the first person who can legitimately brag about being conceived during a 3-way.  Of course, a procedure like this always brings up ethical questions, such as according to the new labeling laws, will the child need to be categorized as a GMO?

 

compassion-in-ratsStudy Finds Rats Can Show Compassion:  New experiments from the University of Chicago show rats demonstrating compassion by helping other rodents, a trait previously thought to occur in only humans and higher primates.  Well, guess we can no longer accurately refer to Congress as “a bunch of rats.”

 

alicia-and-donaldDonald Trump Repeats His Attack on Alicia Machado’s Weight:  Donald Trump surprised many during the recent presidential debate with Hillary Clinton by repeating his criticism of Alicia Machado’s weight gain after she won his 1996 Miss Universe contest.  And while his words may sound offensive to some, it’s important to remember that Donald Trump is a really buffed gym rat who’s whole life has been centered around health, nutrition and physical fitness.  After the debate, Trump defended his attack on Alicia Machado by pointing out that “feminist chicks really dig me.”

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Snake Charmer Dies During Viper Demo

dangerous-snakesSnake Charmer Dies During Viper Demo:  A German “snake charmer” has died after being bitten by a viper during an event aimed at helping audiences overcome their fear of snakes.  A snake charmer bitten by a snake?  I’ll have to assume the snake must not have found him all that charming.  My question is, why would anyone want to teach people to overcome a fear of venomous snakes?

 

stonehengeResearchers Say Stonehenge Was Ancient Graveyard:  British researchers have proposed a new theory for the origins of Stonehenge – that it may have started as a giant burial ground for elite families around 3,000 B.C.  That said, scientists admit its just a theory and nothing is written in stone.

 

batsDeadly White-Nose Syndrome Attacks Bats:  Biologists say a plague know as “white-nose syndrome” has been decimating bat populations across the nation for the past three years.  In related news, an epidemic of “brown-nose syndrome” seems to be spreading across human work places throughout the US.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Libertarian Johnson Urging Humanity To Inhabit Other Planets

gary-johnsonLibertarian Johnson Urging Humanity To Inhabit Other Planets:  In a recent interview with George Stephanopoulos, Libertarian presidential nominee Gary Johnson suggested that because of things such as global warming and the fact the sun will eventually grow and encompass the Earth, we had better start to consider sending people to other planets.  Wow, as if it weren’t bad enough Donald Trump wants to deport many of us from the country, now Gary Johnson wants to send us to another planet.

 

air-showNorth Korea Holds It’s First Air Show:  In a bid to attract tourists to the isolated country, North Korea held its first-ever air show showcasing it’s civilian and aerial might at it’s Kalma International Airport.  Shortly after the event, people in attendance were already comparing it to the Wright Brothers first flight at Kitty Hawk – literally.

 

donald-trumpMost Polled Feel Santa is a Democrat:  A new poll found that 44 percent of Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat, while 28 percent believe he is a Republican.  The other 28 percent say “ah, there ain’t no Sant’ee Claus!”

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Extramarital Affair Costs General His Job

brigadier-generalExtramarital Affair Costs General His Job:  An internal investigation has cost US Army National Guard Brigadier General Michael E Bobeck his job after it was determined he had extramarital affair and “misused Army resources.”  While I’m no expert on military law, I’m assuming that the “misuse of Army resources” must be a reference to his penis.

 

electricchairBritish Man Builds Electric Chair to Kill Wife:  A man in Great Britain has been arrested after building a homemade electric chair in his garage and then attempting to electrocute his wife in it.  When asked why he would try to electrocute his poor wife, the man said he felt its more humane than lethal injection.

 

crocodilesCrocodiles Mysteriously Dying in Northern India:  Authorities say as many as 26 endangered crocodiles have been mysteriously found dead in northern India.  I guess we don’t need to ask what kind of tears were shed for them.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Costco & Sam’s Club Issue Recall of Packaged Ham

canned-hamhttp://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Canned-ham-300x30... 300w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Canned-ham.jpg 350w" sizes="(max-width: 150px) 100vw, 150px" />Costco & Sam’s Club Issue Recall of Packaged Ham:  Costco & Sam’s Club have announced they are recalling all of their 6-pound vacuum-sealed packages of Fletcher’s Canadian Black Forest Ham after numerous customer complaints that the meat was un-chewable – lab tests later determined that pieces of rubber material were embedded in the processed meat.

 

Good grief, Canadian ham with pieces rubber in it?  This sounds like an act of international terrorism.  I think we can safely assume that if Donald Trump’s elected President, this will mean war with the Canada!  In fact, at a recent rally, Trump told angry followers he wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Hillary “RodHAM” Clinton wasn’t somehow involved.

 

On the other hand, others are wondering if this could have simply been a secret product test of a new “ham-flavored gum” which was accidentally released to the public.  I mean think about it, why would a boneless ham need rubber in it anyway?  And the recall is having reverberations throughout the industry as Walmart just announced they will be recalling all their rubber ducks, just as a precaution.

 

The irony is that when you consider all the crap they put into processed meats, like growth hormones, antibiotics and other chemicals – the rubber may very well have been the healthiest part.  My advice is go ahead and eat the ham – hell, it might put a little bounce in your step!

 

Meanwhile, on Capitol Hill, some legislators are discussing the feasibility of sending Justin Bieber back to Canada along with the recalled ham.  And a spokesperson for Fletcher’s is trying to calm investor concerns about the recall’s impact on their bottom line by pointing out that BF Goodrich has already offered to buy all the returned packaged hams which they say can be used in nearly all of their products.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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Apple Turning iPhone Into a Digital Wallet

iphone-7Apple Turning iPhone Into a Digital Wallet:  Apple says their new iOS 10 is becoming an environment where you can store all your credit cards, digital coupons, tickets and loyalty cards in one place – transforming the iPhone into a digital wallet.  Personally, I don’t really care all that much whether my wallet is digital or analog – either way – I’m still broke.

 

paint-with-thoughtsSoftware Allows People to Paint With Their Thoughts:  A new kind of software allows people – such as people with progressive neuronal disorders – to paint pictures using nothing but their minds.  Of course the real danger lies in the possibility that software like this might fall into the hands of someone like Anthony Weiner.

 

jim-bakkerJim Bakker Claims Watchdog Groups Monitor Him and Kill Patriots:  On a recent television broadcast, Televangelist Jim Bakker warned his flock that people like him are being monitored and completely silenced by liberal watchdog groups.  Wow, seems he just can’t shut up about how he’s being completely silenced.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Czech President Milos Zeman Supporting Trump

czeck-presidentCzech President Milos Zeman Supporting Trump:  Outspoken Czechoslovakian President Milos Zeman and Hungary’s anti-migrant right-wing Prime Minister Viktor Orban have just added their names to the list of former Soviet satellite state leaders who are now supporting Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump.  Sources say panicked Hillary Clinton campaign officials privately fear that if Bulgaria falls to Trump, all may be lost.

 

epipenMylan CEO Defends EpiPen Cost to Angry Lawmakers:  Outraged lawmakers grilled the head of pharmaceutical company Mylan about the over 500% price increase of its life-saving EpiPens since 2007 on a product they didn’t even invent, but acquired the rights.  Now I’m no business expert, but if Mylan’s claim is true that they need to charge $608 to make a profit on something that costs them under $30 to manufacture, I would think it might be a good idea to think about finding someone who can provide a little cheaper packaging for them.

 

joe-arpaioSheriff Arpaio Vows to Keep Investigating Obama’s Birth Certificate:  Calling it a forged document, controversial Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio promised a group of Surprise Tea Party Patriots that he will not be deterred and vowed to continue investigating President Obama’s birth certificate.  On the other hand, I suppose a skeptic might wonder – even if it is a forgery, Obama will be gone in just a few months.  Isn’t this a little like locking the barn door eight years after the horses escaped?  Nevertheless, even with his heavy workload of harassing immigrants, this selfless man has pledged to continue taking frequent “investigative” trips to Hawaii in order to get to the bottom of this.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Study Finds Pigeons Can Distinguish Written Words

pigeons-readStudy Finds Pigeons Can Distinguish Written Words:  In a fascinating new study, scientists have actually taught pigeons English some rudimentary reading skills – and while the birds don’t understand the meaning of words – they can distinguish between real words from non-words by visually processing the letter combinations involved.  You don’t need some fancy study to know that.  Hell, everyone knows birds start tweeting at shortly after they’re born.

 

assult-weaponsHalf of All US Guns in the Hands of Just 3% of Gun Owners:  A sweeping new survey by researchers at Harvard University and Northeastern University found that nearly half of the nearly 300 million firearms in the United States are concentrated in the hands just 3 percent of American adults.  Hell, I guess it’s a lot like women’s dress fashions – I mean who wants to be seen getting your morning joe at Starbucks with the same AR-15 you’re packing at Walmart or the 9mm Glock you bring to pick up your dry cleaning at Fazio’s?

 

e-booksE-Book Sales Move Ahead of Printed Books for 1st Time:  Amazon is reporting that it now sells more e-books than they do books in print.  And needless to say, the companies selling the e-books are simply “e-lated.”

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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Woman Finds Rat Head In Popeyes Chicken Meal

popeyesWoman Finds Rat Head In Popeyes Chicken Meal:  A New Jersey woman posted a picture of what she claims is a rat’s head she found in her Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen meal, a restaurant which has a 5 rating by the Department of Health.  If you ask me, its pretty sad commentary to think some poor woman found an animal body part in a bucket of fried animal body parts!  The company is reportedly investigating the claim, claiming they smell a rat.

 

kiosksPeople Viewing Porn Forces NY to Disable Tablets on WiFi Kiosks:  The city of New York is trying to figure out what to do after numerous complaints about derelicts using the tablets associated with the city’s new free WiFi Kiosks to view porn on public streets.  Wow, sounds like a hard problem to solve.

 

clinton-trumpReligious Faiths Have Little Impact on Election:  A recent poll found that the religious faiths of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump will carry little weight in November’s presidential election.  That’s because most of us believe all politicians should burn in hell anyway.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Ex-KKK Exalted Cyclops Indicted Over Cross Burning

exalted-cyclopsEx-KKK Exalted Cyclops Indicted Over Cross Burning:  A 28-year-old former Alabama Ku Klux Klan “Exalted Cyclops” leader and his mother have been indicted after allegedly burning a cross at the entrance to a predominantly black neighborhood and then lied to police about it.  Neighbors say the son would have never chosen to become a cyclops had his mother keep an eye on him when he was young.

 

tina-turnerhttp://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Tina-Turner.jpeg 225w" sizes="(max-width: 150px) 100vw, 150px" />Tina Turner Has No Regrets About Giving Up US Citizenship:  Tina Turner says she has had no regrets after giving up her U.S. citizenship and becoming a full Swiss citizen.  When asked what motivated her to do so, her response was “what’s taxes got to do, got to do with it?”

 

chinese-familyChina Implements Visit Your Parents Law:  China has just implemented a new law requiring children to frequently visit their parents or face the possibility of being sued.  Makes me glad I don’t live in China.  My parents are dead and are buried 2500 miles away.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Some Animals Can Be Frozen Solid and Come Back to Life

frozen-frogsSome Animals Can Be Frozen Solid and Come Back to Life:  Zoologists say they’ve studying a species of wood frogs who have the ability to freeze solid during winter, then thaw in the spring and remain perfectly healthy.  Researchers say the only other thing they’re aware of that can completely freeze-up and yet come back to life are faces of Hollywood celebrities after a serious a round of Botox.

 

meteoriteHuge Meteorite Found in Argentina:  Scientists say they’ve recently uncovered a huge meteorite weighing 30 tonnes in northwest Argentina – making it possibly the third largest ever found on Earth – but this will not be confirmed until further tests and weigh-ins are carried out.  Excuse me, but you mean to tell me they’re going to subject this poor meteorite to a weigh-in?  Have we as a society come to the point where we’re now fat-shaming meteorites?  And could a Meteorite Size Acceptance movement be far behind?

 

embarrassedStudy Finds Nice People Easily Embarrassed:  A new study published in Social Psychology, found that people who are easily embarrassed tend to be more generous and trustworthy in social situationsParticipants were not informed of the results because researchers didn’t want to embarrass them.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California
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