Sunday , 25 February 2018

My latest Jokes

New “Poop Pill” Could Help Infection Victims

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Poop-Pill-768x575... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Poop-Pill.jpg 900w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />New “Poop Pill” Could Help Infection Victims:  Scientists say a “poop pill” – a capsule that contains fecal microbes from a family member – may hold the key to healing an infection that kills 14,000 Americans and sickens more than a half-million each year.  Geez, as if most of us don’t already take enough crap from our families, now someone invented a pill for that?

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Monkies-768x576.jpg 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Monkies-1024x768.jpg 1024w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Self-Doubt Also Found in Animal Kingdom:  Humans aren’t the only animals filled with self-doubt as a recent study found that monkeys often question their own thinking as well.  Yea, like “what the hell was I thinking when I volunteered for that UCLA castration study?”

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Dunkin-Donuts-768... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Dunkin-Donuts.jpg 864w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Selling More Than Just Donuts and Coffee:  A 29-year-old woman working the night shift at Dunkin’ Donuts faces prostitution charges for allegedly taking breaks from selling donuts and coffee to provide sexual services in exchange for money.  Yea, probably not the smartest idea, considering most of your customers are gonna be cops.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

FBI Looks Into Russian Funding of Trump Campaign Through NRA

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/NRA.jpg 740w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />FBI Looks Into Russian Funding of Trump Campaign Through NRA:  Its being reported that the FBI is investigating whether Russian banker Alexander Torshin, who has very close ties to Vladimir Putin, funneled money through the National Rifle Association (NRA) into Donald Trump’s presidential campaign.  Wow, it looks like the NRA may have been Putin a bunch of Russian money right in their pockets.  Its comforting to know the Russians are generous enough to spend their own hard-earned money to ensure our country’s trailer parks remain heavily armed.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Eruption-Noise-76... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Eruption-Noise.jpg 800w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Scientists Listen For Sounds Volcanoes Make Just Before Erupting:  According to a new study, eavesdropping on the rumblings of a volcano may help scientists predict when an eruption is coming.  Yea, if you can believe what they say.  If you ask me, most of what comes out of a volcano’s mouth is just a bunch of hot air.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/CPAC-Speech.jpg 464w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre Addresses Florida School Shootings:  During a speech at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre addressed the recent Florida school shooting where 17 people died by repeating the old NRA slogan, “the only thing that will stop a bad guy with a gun, is a good guy with a gun.  Yea, well if I were Wayne LaPierre, I think I’d be a little careful of what you wish for – because, after this umpteenth, needless gun tragedy of the year, I would assume there’s quite a few people out there who are starting to think of him as “a bad guy with a gun.”

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Trump Plan Gives Teachers Bonuses for Carrying Guns in Class

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Armed-Teachers.jpg 402w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Trump Plan Gives Teachers Bonuses for Carrying Guns in Class:  President Donald Trump is reportedly proposing a plan that would award teachers with bonuses if they carry guns with them in class, which the President feels would be much cheaper than hiring armed security guards.  Hell, if its about saving money, why not just ship all our kids over to Afghanistan for school?  Teachers there are already armed – problem solved!

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Cave.jpg 600w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Study Finds Neanderthals Not Humans Were Earth First Artists:  Researchers say Neanderthals were painting on cave walls in Spain 65,000 years ago – tens of thousands of years before modern humans even arrived.  Yea, well if you ask me, that was the least of their accomplishments.  What I wanna know is, how in the hell were they able to convince saber-toothed tigers to sit still long enough to get their portraits painted on cave walls?

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Jeffrey-Dahmer-Ho... 631w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Home Where Jeffrey Dahmer Committed First Murder for Sale:  The childhood home where cannibalistic serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer committed his first murder is up for sale near Cleveland, Ohio.  While I’m no real estate expert, my guess is that someone will buy it and immediately turn it into either a rib joint or a body shop.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Florida Lawmakers Find Porn More Dangerous Than Assault Weapons

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Florida-Students.jpg 640w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Florida Lawmakers Find Porn More Dangerous Than Assault Weapons:  Students from Florida’s Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, where 17 kids were recently murdered and scores injured in yet another mass shooting – were left in tears after their pleas for rational assault weapon laws were ignored by Florida lawmakers, who’ve decided that porn is a much more pressing public health risk than assault weapons.  That’s interesting because – I’m pretty sure at this point, any definition of “obscene” would surely have to include these Florida lawmakers.  And I wonder how long before one of these brave lawmakers – protecting us from porn, will be busted with a huge stash of porn on their own computer?  On a positive note, guess the NRA now has themselves a brand new slogan, “Guns don’t kill, nudie pictures do.”

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Hate-Group-768x57... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Hate-Group-1024x7... 1024w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Hate-Group.jpg 1280w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />US Hate Groups Proliferate in Trump’s First Year:  The Southern Poverty Law Center found that the number of U.S. hate groups expanded dramatically last year under President Donald Trump’s administration, fueled by his immigration stance and the perception that he sympathized with those espousing white supremacy.  In response to this criticism, Trump officials are now urging everyone considering joining a “hate” group to turn it down a notch – and join a group that’s just a wee bit peeved instead.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Louise-Reay.jpg 600w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Comedian’s Estranged Husband Sues Her for Defamation:  UK stand-up comedian Louise Reay is asking people to contribute to her crowdfunding page, after being sued by her estranged husband for allegedly defaming him in her show.  Yea, well all I can say is, once Donald Trump leaves office – he’d better hope Melania doesn’t have any comedic ambitions.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

New Dinosaurs Being Discovered in Record Numbers

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/T.-Rex-Bones-768x... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/T.-Rex-Bones-1024... 1024w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />New Dinosaurs Being Discovered in Record Numbers:  Scientists say the frequency of new dinosaur discoveries has spiked dramatically in the past twenty years or so – and many of those new finds are dramatically changing everything we had previously thought we knew about these monstrous beasts.

 

You bet it is!  Let’s take for example the giant flying dinosaur named Pterodactylus.  Who could have known that the “P” in Pterodactylus is actually silent?  There was no indication of that in the fossil record until recently.  Or how about the fact that Bigfoot was actually only a size 8 shoe?  One may legitimately wonder why podiatrists have been silence on this issue for all these years.

 

Then, there’s the recently discovered fact that T. Rex was not a predator at all, but actually a scavenger who had feathers.  While I’m no paleontologist, I’m guessing that must mean that these theropods were essentially homeless, cross-dressers.  And who could have guessed a giant, monster with a name like “Godzilla” considered itself an atheist – or, at the very least – an agnostic?

 

Now my guess is they’re eventually gonna find that it wasn’t an asteroid that killed off the dinosaurs, but smoking.  Most people don’t realize these beasts were extremely heavy smokers.  And they lived in an era long before there any warning labels on cigarette packs.  Let that set in for a minute.

 

Anyway, there are just so many unanswered questions, it can all seem a bit overwhelming for many of us.  Luckily, we here in America are very fortunate to have people like Vice President Mike Pence around – who is not the least bit shy about explaining it all to us.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Man’s Flatulence Forces Plane to Make Emergency Landing

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Farting-Passanger... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Farting-Passanger... 1024w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Man’s Flatulence Forces Plane to Make Emergency Landing:  A Transavia flight from Dubai to Amsterdam was forced to make an emergency landing in Vienna after two Dutch passengers picked a fight with another passenger – who wouldn’t stop breaking wind during the flight.

 

Wow – sounds like terrorism has really hit a new low with this.  But come on, why didn’t those Dutch guys just open a few windows rather than make a big stink about it?  Kind of makes you long for the good old days when they just had “snakes on a plane.”  Folks, here’s a free travel tip – never eat beans, hot dogs, burritos, hard-boiled eggs or broccoli before boarding a plane!

 

Of course, Transavia immediately issued a statement saying that they stand “firmly behind” the cabin crew and pilot’s decision to remove the Dutch passengers who started the fight.  OK, that’s easy enough, but the real test is – will any of them dare to stand “firmly behind” that farting passenger?  Talk about “the wind beneath my wings.”

 

I can see it all now, “this is your captain speaking, due to unfavorable tailwinds, we’ll be making an emergency landing in Vienna and, because we have flatulent passengers onboard – we’re recommending that seat cushions on this flight should probably NOT be considered as a flotation device.”

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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Trump EPA Chief Has Unusual Waiver to Fly in First Class

Trump EPA Chief Has Unusual Waiver to Fly in First Class:  The Environmental Protection Agency is refusing to release the written waiver that allows Administrator Scott Pruitt to fly regularly in first or business class for security reasons – a practice that sets him apart both from his predecessors and other current Cabinet members.  I get it – I mean, if you’re the head of an agency promoting a clean environment, the last thing you wanna do is be associated with all that disgusting filth sitting back in coach.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Gates-Foundation-... 150w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Gates-Foundation-... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Gates-Foundation-... 1024w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Gates-Foundation.jpg 1200w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Bill Gates Announces Foundation to Focus on Conquering Polio:  Bill Gates announced that one of the top priorities of his foundation will be to finally completely wipe out polio.  If successful conquering polio, Gate’s will then focus on ridding humanity of what he considers to be an even bigger plight – the Mac Operating System.

 

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Pitch-Fork.jpg 634w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Man Holds Up Waffle House With Pitchfork:  Police have arrested a man who used a pitchfork to rob a Waffle House restaurant just northeast of Atlanta.  So I’m asking myself “why on earth would anyone commit a robbery with a pitchfork?”  And then it hit me – the devil made him do it.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Laura Ingraham Thinks Athletes Should Shut Up and Dribble

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Laura-Ingraham.jpg 750w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Laura Ingraham Thinks Athletes Should Shut Up and Dribble:  Fox News host Laura Ingraham is being accused of racism after she replied to NBA star LeBron James’ statement that “Donald Trump doesn’t “give a f**k about the people” by saying athletes like him should stay out of politics and just “shut up and dribble.”  Now let’s see here, we have a loud-mouthed reality star, a bully, a pathological liar, a serial philanderer and misogynist and – possibly even a traitor currently sitting in the White House.  Given that, I think I’d rather listen to LeBron James’ thoughts and concerns about the world situation anytime before I would Donald Trump’s.  Gee, wonder if Laura Ingraham’s ever suggested that Donald Trump “shut up?”

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Apple-Campus-768x... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Apple-Campus.jpg 980w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Apple Employees Repeatedly Walking Into Glass Walls on New Campus:  While Apple’s new spaceship campus if a sight to behold, Bloomberg is reporting that distracted employees are repeatedly banging into Apple’s glass-walled workspaces.  The situation has reportedly become so bad, that many female employees are now begging Apple to please return back to the old “glass ceiling” days, just to protect themselves from further concussions.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Nikolas-Cruz.jpg 524w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />NRA Claiming Florida School Shooter Was Mentally Ill:  As they tend to do every time there is a mass killing, the NRA and gun advocates are once again claiming the shooter (Nikolas Cruz) was mentally ill and what we need are more mental health services, not gun regulations.  Now I rarely find myself in agreement with the NRA, but now that pics and videos are surfacing showing Nikolas Cruz wearing a “Make America Great” cap, I’m inclined to agree with them that he must be mentally ill.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

US Education Secretary Says Schools Have Option to Arm Teachers

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Betsy-DeVos-768x9... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Betsy-DeVos-819x1... 819w" sizes="(max-width: 240px) 100vw, 240px" />US Education Secretary Says Schools Have Option to Arm Teachers:  In response to the recent Florida high school shooting, US Education Secretary Betsy DeVos told reporters that “schools do have the option of arming teachers.”

 

Interesting idea, especially when you consider most US schools don’t even have adequate funding to purchase pencils, paper or text books, but I guess there’s always plenty of money around when it comes to buying guns.

 

My question is, why stop with just arming the teachers?  After all, let’s not forget that about the only thing that can stop a “bad guy” with a gun – is a “good teenager” with a loaded gun.  So my suggestion is, let’s arm every school child in America with an AR15 semi-automatic rifle – but of course, for the sake of safety, only after they’ve acquired sufficient strength to allow them to pull the trigger.

 

As for training the kids to use these lethal weapons – how about forgoing those worthless civics classes and have them watch violent video games or perhaps Quentin Tarantino movies instead?  That ought to teach them just about everything they’ll ever need to know about gun safety.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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Trump Proposes Cutting 248 Meteorologists from Tornado Alley

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Dangerous-Tornado... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Dangerous-Tornado... 1024w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Dangerous-Tornado... 1167w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Trump Proposes Cutting 248 Meteorologists from Tornado Alley:  President Trump is proposing gutting the National Weather Service in an area of the country that depends on forecasters and meteorologists to protect them from extreme weather events such as tornados.  On a positive note, the President promised that should a horrific storm manage to sneak up on them without warning – rendering massive devastation and death to the area, he’ll ask the rest of the country to send lots of “thoughts and prayers” their way.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Andromeda-Galaxy-... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Andromeda-Galaxy.jpg 800w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Study Finds Milky Way Galaxy Will Not Be Eaten By Andromeda:  Scientists say new research is showing that our own Milky Way galaxy will not be eaten by our closest neighbor galaxy Andromeda as was previously thought.  A NASA spokesperson said our tests indicate the Andromeda galaxy is most likely lactose intolerant, so consuming a Milky Way galaxy would not be a smart food choice for our neighbor Andromeda.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Tesla-in-Space-76... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Tesla-in-Space.jpg 960w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Musk’s Tesla Will Stay in Space for Millions of Years:  Analysis by Czech and Canadian researchers determined that the Tesla roadster Elon Musk launched into space is likely to stay there for tens of millions of years before finally crashing into either Earth or Venus.  Automotive experts are quick to caution anyone hoping to snag themselves a cheap Tesla at that time – that the warranty and any price incentives will most likely have long run out on the vehicle by then.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Inventor Hopes to Father Children With His Sex Robot

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Robot-Children-76... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Robot-Children.jpg 846w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Inventor Hopes to Father Children With His Sex Robot:  Spanish scientist and sex robot inventor Dr. Sergio Santos claims it’s only a matter of time before marriages between humans and robots become the norm and that the next logical step would be to have children with these robots.  While I like to think of myself as a fairly open-minded person, this does create one helluva lot of unanswered ethical questions like – do you raise the kids to be iOS or Android?  Or, should the sex robot’s lithium-ion batteries happen to catch fire during pregnancy, do you try and save the child or your house?  And finally, is it OK to pay female sex robots only 70% of what male sex robots make?

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Lions-Eat-Poacher... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Lions-Eat-Poacher... 1024w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Lions-Eat-Poacher... 1102w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Lions in South Africa Kill And Eat Suspected Poacher:  According to a report out of South Africa, a suspected poacher was found dead last week after being killed and partially eaten by lions.  Wow, Bon Appetite, guys!  Talk about “justice being served!”  Guess we don’t need to ask who got the lion’s share of him – they ALL did.  Ironically, authorities say the lions only ate about half of the poacher – which seems kind of wasteful to me.  I mean, that’s almost enough meat to feed a guy like Jeffrey Dahmer for an entire week.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Donald-Trump-1-76... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Donald-Trump-1.jpg 802w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Donald Trump Declares He’s Totally Opposed to Domestic Violence:  After praising his former staff secretary Rob Porter who was forced to resign after his two ex-wives accused him of domestic violence, Donald Trump finally addressed the issue, telling reporters that he is “totally opposed to domestic violence.”  Well hopefully, that little confession won’t totally disillusion his hard-core followers.  I mean – come on!  If being a pompous, narcissistic, racist, sexist, homophobic, traitorous, sleazy grifter of a crook isn’t enough for them – just what is?

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Trump Lawyer Claims $130K Stormy Daniels Payout His Money

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Michael-Cohen-768... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Michael-Cohen-102... 1024w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Trump Lawyer Claims $130K Stormy Daniels Payout His Money:  President Donald Trump’s personal attorney Michael Cohen is now claiming that the $130,000 payout to adult film actress Stormy Daniels came from his own pocket.

 

No kidding?  Hell, I can’t even get lawyers to take my phone calls, let alone pay off hookers.  Must be nice.  But I suppose its all in a day’s work when you’re the lawyer for a stable genius and this $130K – is all part of Cohen’s plan for “Paying It Forward.”

 

Anyway, funny how after the check cleared, Ms Daniels seemed to quickly transition herself from “Stormy” to “partly cloudy.”  I mean, who knew weather patterns could change that quickly?

 

And isn’t it interesting how Trump seems to stiff everyone he’s ever dealt with except porn stars?  That’s probably because in order to stiff them, he’d need to swallow buckets full of Viagra.  And if Viagra was in fact involved, I guess that would mean Mr Trump has learned his lesson the hard way.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California
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