Sunday , 25 June 2017

My latest Jokes

Study Finds Sex Doesn’t Actually Sell Products

Study Finds Sex Doesn’t Actually Sell Products:  Researchers analyzed nearly 80 advertising studies published over the past 30 years and found that while people often remember a particularly racy ad, that frequently doesn’t translate into customers actually buying the product that the advertiser is selling.  I totally agree.  I recently saw an ad featuring a very sexy woman eating a burger and, instead of going right out and ordering a burger, I made an appointment at the local day spa for a colon hydrotherapy session.

 

Bulgaria Launches First Communications Satellite:  A previously-flown SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket climbed into orbit from Florida’s east coast with Bulgaria’s first communications satellite designed to boost Bulgarian television signals.  All I can say is, I never dreamed I’d live to see the day when I’d be able to watch live Bulgarian television shows, right in the comfort of my own home.  Wonder if their shows are in color?

 

Buffett Donates $1.52 Billion to Gates Foundation:  Warren Buffett is continuing to make good on his promise to donate most of his wealth to charity, donating $1.52 billion to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.  Sort of makes you wonder why Bill and Melinda Gates would need a foundation.  They seem to be doing just fine on their own.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Hire Surrogate

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/Kim-and-Kayne-300... 300w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/Kim-and-Kayne.jpg 680w" sizes="(max-width: 150px) 100vw, 150px" />Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Hire Surrogate:  Kim Kardashian is claiming she has a condition called “placenta accreta,” which makes it dangerous for her to carry another child, so she and Kanye have now hired a surrogate to carry their third child.  If I’m correct, I believe “placenta accreta” is Italian for “why should I go through another nine months of carrying a kid when I can just pay someone to do it for me?”

 

Mice Found Nibbling on Dementia Patient At Nursing Home:  A dementia patient in Alberta is being treated for infection after being found with mice nibbling on her face at a long-term care facility.  Fortunately, the issue will be resolved soon as a “crazy cat lady” is scheduled to move into the facility later this month.

 

USGS Accidentally Alerts Earthquake That Hit in 1925:  The U.S. Geological Survey accidentally sent out an alert about a 6.8-magnitude earthquake that actually occurred off the coast of Santa Barbara nearly 100 years ago in 1925.  To make matters worse, all attempts to inform President Coolidge of the disaster have so far failed.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Gunman Kidnaps Family and Forces Them to Shop at Target

Gunman Kidnaps Family and Forces Them to Shop at Target:  A North Carolina man has been arrested for kidnapping a family and then forcing them to go shopping with him at Target.  Good grief, I realize these big box stores are getting desperate for customers, but kidnapping a family by gunpoint and forcing them to shop at Target has to be about the worst marketing strategy ever.

 

Tick-Borne Diseases on the Rise in the US:  According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), ticks and dangerous tick-borne illnesses are on the rise all over the US.  The CDC warns the situation has become so widespread that in some areas, even the tick-tock of grandfather clocks has become affected.

 

New Evidence of Cat Domestication Found in China:  Archaeologists in China have unearthed the first clear evidence of cats living among humans as semi-domesticated mousers about 5300 years ago.  Scientists say they hope to one day use this data to reconstruct what life must have been like for cats before they came to prominence on YouTube and Facebook.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Daniel Day-Lewis Announces Retirement From Acting

Daniel Day-Lewis Announces Retirement From Acting:  Daniel Day-Lewis, one of the most revered actors in Hollywood history, has announced his retirement from acting.  Good for him and we all wish him well – now if he could just have a chat with Adam Sandler before he leaves.

 

Doctor Diagnoses Man With Homosexual Behavior:  NBC is reporting that a 45-year-old Los Angeles man who went for a physical found a diagnosis of “homosexual behavior” listed under “chronic conditions” on his chart.  Gee, wonder if a “condition” like that means he’s now eligible to buy medical marijuana?

 

Thief Drops Urn With Freud’s Ashes in Failed Burglary:  Police say a thief who tried to steal an ancient urn containing the ashes of Sigmund Freud from a London crematorium, dropped it while trying to climb over a gate.  I’m no psychotherapist, but it sure sounds like classic a “Freudian Slip” to me.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Trump Makes Craziest Statement About Panama Canal

Trump Makes Craziest Statement About Panama Canal:  President Trump raised eyebrows during a White House meeting with Panamanian President Juan Carlos Varela when he said “the Panama Canal is doing quite well, I think we did a good job building it.”

 

Is it just me, or did Trump just kinda/sorta try and take credit for the Panama Canal?  I assume from this point on in the Red States, it’ll be forever known as the Trump Canal.  Must be part of those infrastructure upgrades he promised during the campaign.  Wonder if he was able to get Panama to pay for it?

 

That said, I’ve gotta at least give him credit for knowing the Panama Canal is in Panama.  Can’t wait for his thoughts on Grant’s Tomb.  On the other hand, can we expect an international incident if the Egyptians visit and he takes credit for the pyramids or implies the Chinese ripped off his idea when they built the Great Wall?

 

Anyway, my feeling is that while the Panama Canal is certainly a nice canal, its not nearly as nice as the one Trump had built over at Guadalcanal.  I believe he even kept a diary while the thing was being built.

 

But all kidding aside, if your elderly parents regularly uttered insane things like this, wouldn’t you think its time to get them professional help?  And the best part is – he has his tiny, little fingers on that big red button.  I mean, at this point – even Putin and the Russians have to be thinking “what the hell have we done?”

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Trump Boasts He’s More Popular Than Obama

Trump Boasts He’s More Popular Than Obama:  President Donald Trump was up and tweeting extra early Sunday morning, boasting that his approval ratings are higher than former President Barack Obama despite his being subjected to a “Witch Hunt.”  I’m sure Trump is right about being more popular than Obama – the only problem is, its in Russia.

 

Leftists Post Fake Plans to Attack Statue Drawing Out Alt-Right:  A leftist group posted fake plans to stage an attack on a Texas statue, bringing out scores of heavily armed alt-right conservatives to show who ended up standing in the hot sun for hours, not realizing the statue attack was totally fake.  An embarrassed alt-right spokesperson said “what’s the big deal?  We’ve been waging war on imaginary enemies for ages now?”  While no one was injured, the statue’s pigeons reported that they found the whole fiasco extremely disruptive.

 

Trump Celebrates Father’s Day:  With Father’s Day just over, many people were asking, wonder what kind of father was Donald Trump?  I don’t know about with his boys, but I think its pretty safe to say that with Ivanka, he was strictly a “hands-on” dad.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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Ted Nugent Says Its Time to Turn Down the Hateful Rhetoric

Ted Nugent Says Its Time to Turn Down the Hateful Rhetoric:  In an interesting turn of events, Ted Nugent – the Second Amendment rocker who called President Obama “a subhuman mongrel who should suck on my machine gun” and insisted “Obama & Clinton should be tried for treason and hung,” now says its time we should all “tone down the hateful rhetoric.”

 

Why what an unusual change of heart coming from someone who’s always been a proud race-baiting, opportunist rabble-rouser – essentially kind of a David Duke with a guitar.  Could this be Ted Nugent’s first attempt at a career in comedy or did someone perhaps sit him down and explain the “glass houses” metaphor to him?

 

Gee, it’s beginning to look as if these alt-right “snowflakes” suddenly want to create themselves some “safe spaces” after some hateful, homicidal, maniac points some of those guns they seem to love so much right back at them.

 

And isn’t it interesting now that his guy is in office, Ted’s decided he suddenly wants everyone to hold hands and sing Kumbaya – while they’re busy cutting all the social safety nets for American families.  Forgive me for being cynical, but this sounds like nothing more than a big bunch of covfefe to me.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Amazon to Buy Whole Foods Market

Amazon to Buy Whole Foods Market:  Amazon, the world’s most powerful online retailer, has taken a giant stride into traditional retailing, spending $13.7 billion to take over organic food chain Whole Foods Market.  Rumor has it that the Whole Foods purchase was simply a mistake that occurred when Amazon CEO Jeff Bozos told his Amazon Echo “Alexia, I need to buy something at Whole Foods” and Alexia responds “yes, buying Whole Foods!”  Talk about advancing the human condition, this merger means that one day soon, hipsters may be able get their kale delivered to them by drone.

 

People Injecting Themselves with Blood From Teens:  In hot pursuit of the fountain of youth, the latest trend for those trying to look younger is getting blood plasma transfusions from teenage donors at the cost of $8,000 a pop.  My question is, just where the hell are they going to get this done anyway – Transylvania?

 

Bear Attacks Elderly Bedridden Woman in New Mexico:  New Mexico State wildlife officials say an 82-year-old bedridden woman suffered scratches on her face and head when a 400-pound black bear broke into her northern New Mexico home and attacked her.  Officials say the attack doesn’t appear to be sexually motivated.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Many Americans Believe Chocolate Milk Comes from Brown Cows

Many Americans Believe Chocolate Milk Comes from Brown Cows:  According to a recent survey, seven percent of all Americans believe chocolate milk comes from brown cows, with yet another 48 percent having no idea where chocolate milk comes from at all.

 

Gee, talk about your basic “how now brown cow!”  Actually, I’m not surprised 7 percent of Americans are this stupid,  I follow elections.  Frankly, I’m more concerned that the people working in Trump’s USDA believe this is where chocolate milk comes from.

 

Of course researchers are quick to point out that many people living in the US are “agriculturally illiterate” these days, however, its my opinion that people who actually believe chocolate milk comes from brown cows are not really “agriculturally illiterate,” they’re frigg’n morons.

 

Good grief, I don’t even wanna ask where these people think whipped cream comes from.  I mean, by this logic – powdered milk must come from dehydrated cows, while sour cream comes from angry, bitter, pissed off cows.  I wonder where these folks think babies come from?  Never mind, I’m sure they’ll say “condom malfunctions.”  Anyway, one thing’s for sure, after reading this – I’ll never look at chocolate milk the same way again.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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Trader Joe’s Issues Grainless Granola Recall

Trader Joe’s Issues Grainless Granola Recall:  Trader Joe’s has been e-mailing customers, warning them that their Trader Joe’s brand Grainless Granola is being recalled because of a possible Listeria contamination.  Now I’m certainly no doctor, but I’m guessing that if you’re the type of person who seeks out products like “Grainless Granola,” Listeria is probably the least of your problems.

 

Study Links 25,000 US Deaths to Sugary Drinks:  In a paper presented to the American Heart Association, researchers report that they have linked 25,000 obesity-related deaths each year in the US to sugary drinks.  On a positive note, the majority of them are the type of people you’d expect to see appearing on the Jerry Springer show.

 

Head Transplant Surgeon Repairs Spinal Cords of Rats:  The scientific team planning to carry out the world’s first human head transplant has announced the successful repair of severed spinal cords in rats, confirming their proof-of-principle study and showing their technique “works across the board.”  One thing’s for sure, whomever gets the first head transplant better have a closet full of turtleneck sweaters and shirts.  Try explaining those scars on a first date.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Texas Police Seize 600 Pounds of Meth-Laced Lollipops

Texas Police Seize 600 Pounds of Meth-Laced Lollipops:  Texas Police, investigating a reported burglary, have seized almost $1 million worth of methamphetamine-laced lollipops.  Let’s hope these lollipops are sugarless, because everyone knows that both meth and candy are bad for your teeth.  The way I see it, meth addicts have enough problems, the last thing they need is to destroy their beautiful teeth.

 

Founder of Breast Implant Firm Guilty of Fraud:  The founder of a French company that used an unapproved gel in its breast implants has been found guilty of fraud.  On the other hand, I suppose it could be argued that anyone who makes fake breasts is guilty of fraud on some level.

 

Michigan Woman Loses Teeth to Tea Addiction:  The New England Journal of Medicine is reporting that a 47-year-old Michigan woman has lost teeth after decades of consuming “astronomical amounts” of highly concentrated tea.  My question is, if you’re gonna abuse a substance, who the hell would choose frigg’n tea?  On a positive note, doctors say this poses no real threat to Tea Party members given that so few of them have very many teeth anyway.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Dennis Rodman Heading Back To North Korea

Dennis Rodman Heading Back To North Korea:  Former NBA star Dennis Rodman is reportedly heading back to North Korea for another visit with dictator Kim Jong-un.  That doesn’t make any sense.  Why bother traveling all the way to North Korea when we have our own fat, tyrannical, dictator wannabe right here in the USA?

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/Parrots-300x300.jpg 300w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/Parrots-768x768.jpg 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/Parrots.jpg 900w" sizes="(max-width: 150px) 100vw, 150px" />Parrots Blamed for LA Area Power Outage:  A recent Southern California Edison power outage in the Hermosa Beach area of Los Angeles is being blamed on wild parrots on power poles.  Wow, who could have known that “Pauly wants a power pole!”  Edison officials say they were finally able to crack the case after they captured one of the parrots who, under heavy questioning, started singing like a canary.

 

Cops Suffering from Excessive Sleepiness:  A new study found that nearly a third of police officers may suffer from excessive sleepiness, which can have serious implications for broader job performance and safety.  What the hell, did Dunkin’ Donuts run out of coffee or something?

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California
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