Friday , 24 March 2017

My latest Jokes

Alaska Airlines to Dissolve Virgin America by 2019

Alaska Airlines to Dissolve Virgin America by 2019:  Alaska Airlines announced that it will fully absorb the California-based carrier Virgin America into its Alaska Airlines brand and Virgin America will exist no more by 2019.  Probably a smart move when you consider that by the year 2019, there won’t be enough virgins left in America to keep the airline profitable anyway.

 

Major Shake-up Suggests Dinosaurs May Have UK Origin:  New data indicates that the first dinosaurs may have originated in the Northern Hemisphere, possibly in an area that is now Britain.  Perhaps, but one thing’s for sure, they certainly didn’t head over to Britain for all the great food.

 

Dog Seized For Being Part Wolf Allowed To Return Home:  A pet dog that made international headlines after being seized from his family and accused of being part wolf by Animal Control officers in Aurora, Colorado, is finally being allowed to return home after DNA testing determined he was just a regular dog.  So what if he was part wolf?  I mean, who’s afraid of the big bad wolf?  Meanwhile, the family said they’re just extremely grateful to have him back before the Trump Administration could have him deported.

 

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Trump Wanted Military Tactical Vehicles for Inaugural Parade

Trump Wanted Military Tactical Vehicles for Inaugural Parade:  E-mails obtained via the Freedom of Information Act show President Trump’s White House transition staff wanted the Pentagon to display a show of military tactical vehicles for his inaugural parade.  Hell – forget about Putin, this guy wants to bring back Khrushchev and Brezhnev.

 

Baptist President Claims Christians Should Avoid Yoga:  Southern Baptist Seminary President Albert Mohler is calling on all Christians to avoid practices such as yoga and meditation, proclaiming that they are not compatible with Christianity.  Come to think of it, he may have a point.  I’ve taken quite a few yoga classes and can’t recall them ever mentioning the importance of overthrowing foreign governments, persecuting intellectuals or intimidating homosexuals.

 

Trump Lawyers Go After Teen Girl’s Website:  President Trump’s legal team has been busy this week trying to shut down a teen girl’s website where users try to scratch Trump’s face with tiny little kitchen paws.  I suppose its fine – if you want to spend all your time fighting with a little girl, but if I were him, I think I’d save my lawyers for the impeachment proceedings.  But knowing Trump, he’s probably thinking something like “after I settle the score with this teenage girl, SNL, mean journalists and Rosie O’Donnell, I’ll get around to telling the Generals about that secret plan to defeat ISIS I’ve been talking about all this time.”

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Ivanka Trump Given West Wing Office and Access to Classified Info

Ivanka Trump Given West Wing Office and Access to Classified Info:  According to sources, Ivanka Trump now has a West Wing office and will get a security clearance giving her access to classified information – cementing her role as a powerful White House influence – even though she’s technically not serving as a government employee.

 

Wow – with her husband already a senior presidential adviser, sounds like the Trumps have really hit pay dirt!  Of course, way back in the day, we’d be referring to all of them as a crime family – but of course the is a Brave New World.  While its not formally written into law, I believe the tradition is that if she remains on the job long enough, she may eventually have to change her name to Ivanka Jong Un.  Is it just me or does it appear that Trump actually believes his family will inherit the United States when he dies?

 

Now the big question is, what role will she assume  – Secretary of Textiles, Clothing and Costume Jewelry?  Or perhaps she’ll become the President’s “Primary Care Giver.”  Meanwhile, it looks as if we’re finally at the point where about the only appointments left to be made are making Tiffany Trump Secretary of Blogging and Leisure Travel and of course Dennis Rodman Ambassador to North Korea.

 

Anyway, my suggestion is grab yourself a beer or a glass of wine, buckle up and get ready for the first season of the all new reality show “The First Family.”

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Kea Parrots Make Other Kea Parrots Laugh

Kea Parrots Make Other Kea Parrots Laugh:  The highly intelligent Kea parrot has a specific call, that – like human laughter – puts other parrots that hear it in a good mood, making it the first known non-mammal to show contagious emotion.  In fact, the parrots have been found to be so good at getting laughs, several have already been booked in prominent Las Vegas nightclubs for the summer.

 

FBI Investigating Ties Between Trump Campaign and Russia:  FBI Director James Comey acknowledged before the House Intelligence Committee that his agency was investigating potential ties between President Trump’s campaign and Russian efforts to influence the election.  Gee, Director Comey’s testimony is gonna make it rather difficult for the Trump people to dismiss this as simply “fake news.”  The only thing I can think of is perhaps if they start chanting “Benghazi” again at the top of their lungs – that might help.

 

Study Finds Coffee Houses and ATMs Ideal Locations for Defibrillators:  Researchers say having defibrillators available at coffee shops and ATMs could play a major role in helping reduce deaths caused by out-of-hospital cardiac arrest.  No kidding!  You pay $6 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks – then go to the ATM and discover you’re now totally broke.  Sounds like time for a major heart attack to me.

 

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Woman Kills Husband After Argument Over Burnt Casserole

Woman Kills Husband After Argument Over Burnt Casserole:  A Pennsylvania woman has been arrested after police say she shot her husband following an argument over her burning a casserole.  Police say after talking to neighbors, they kind of understand why she may have wanted to shoot her husband, but add that that still doesn’t let her off the hook for burning the casserole.

 

Bloomberg Reports Albertsons is in Merger Talks with Sprouts:  Bloomberg is reporting that supermarket chain Albertsons is in preliminary merger talks with the grocery chain Sprouts.  I suppose this means we can expect a sea of Albertsons stores “sprouting” up all over the place now.

 

Food Delivery Robots Seen in San Francisco:  Its being reported that experimental wheeled food delivery robots have been seen roaming the streets of San Francisco.  You can bet this is gonna be a great temptation for thieves.  I’ll bet right this moment gangs are drawing up plans for “Steal Meals on Wheels” programs.  Police warn anyone caught hijacking the deliveries will be charged with “Grand Theft – Robot.”

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Trump Appears to Refuse to Shake Merkel’s Hand

Trump Appears to Refuse to Shake Merkel’s Hand:  The media is abuzz over a video which appears to show President Trump refusing to shake hands after his meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel.  Give the man a break – maybe he was just put-off by how big her hands are!

 

Wyoming Allows Hunters to Use Silencers:   Wyoming law now allows hunters to use silencers on their hunting weapons.  That’s just crazy when you consider you’ve got hard-working assassins, who actually need the silencers in their jobs, who are forbidden to use them.  Let’s get our priorities straight people!

 

Smokers Rebel Against Starbucks Smoking Ban:  A group of smokers opposed to the Starbucks ban on smoking within 25 feet of its stores, say they plan to take the coffee company to court.  Smokers point out that there are so many Starbucks cafes in the US, its nearly impossible to be further than 25 feet away from one.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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Kellyanne Conway’s Husband Appointed to Justice Department

Kellyanne Conway’s Husband Appointed to Justice Department:  Donald Trump will soon name top White House adviser Kellyanne Conway’s husband, George, to lead the Justice Department’s civil division.  One thing’s for sure, you can bet your bottom dollar that as soon as he assumes the post, all microwaves are gonna be removed from employee cafeterias.

 

New AI Program Can Lip-Read Better Than Humans:  Google and Oxford University have reportedly developed an artificial intelligence system that can lip-read significantly better than humans.  Researchers caution that the system is not expected to work on chickens, because chickens don’t have lips.  As soon as the program is released, its a pretty safe bet books on ventriloquism are gonna start flying off the shelves.

 

Owner Offers $20K Reward for Exotic Savannah Cat:  An exotic Savannah cat – which is a cross between a domesticated cat and a wild African serval cat – has gone missing in Marina Del Rey and his owner is willing to pay $20,000 to get him back.  While I hope they get him back, my guess is Trump had him deported.  As a precaution, the Department of Fish and Game is warning Marina Del Rey residents who may be raising wildebeests or antelope to be on the lookout and protect their herds.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Woman’s Face Burned After Headphones Explode Mid-Flight

Woman’s Face Burned After Headphones Explode Mid-Flight:  A flight attendant poured a bucket of sparkling water on a sleeping Australian woman’s face after her battery-operated headphones exploded mid-flight, burning her face.  The article didn’t specify what the make and model was, but I’m pretty sure it was a Boeing 777.

 

Fight Over Doughnuts Result in 1 Dead and Deputy Injured:  Investigators in Florida say a fight over doughnuts led to a man to kill his mother’s fiancé and wound a sheriff’s deputy after 24-year-old Jeffrey Falsey asked his mother to get him doughnuts and when she refused, her heavily armed son who has mental health issues became angry and started shooting.  Say what you will, but had the son had not been heavily armed, he’d might still not have any doughnuts.  That said, its obvious the man had mental issues, you’d have to be crazy to mess with the cops in a doughnut shop.

 

Cindy Jacobs Claims God Wants Rich Christians to Attract More Jews:  Self-declared “prophet” Cindy Jacobs preached at a church in New Jersey, telling the congestion that God is busy making certain Christians incredibly rich in order to make Jews jealous so they’ll convert to the One True Faith resulting in a “great harvest of Jews.”  Good gracious, I can see it all now, a string of shinny copper pennies leading from local delis – straight into the nearest Christian church –  with the Jews lining up two-by-two and marching right in!  I guess my only question would be, since you guys say the Jews are already in control of all the banks and the media, what’s the point?

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Trump Oklahoma Campaign Chair Busted in Motel With Underage Boy

Trump Oklahoma Campaign Chair Busted in Motel With Underage Boy:  State Senator and former Oklahoma Trump campaign chair Ralph Shortey, a family values Heartland Baptist Bible College graduate who is known for his bill to ban fetuses in food, is facing numerous charges after he was caught in a Super 8 Motel room with a minor boy.

 

Good grief, fetuses in food?  What would that be called?  “Baby food?”  If this is true, just think about the impact this could have on programs like Meals on Wheels?  One thing’s for sure, next time I go out to eat, I’ll be sure to tell the waitstaff “hold the fetus.”

 

Now at first I wondered – what the hell would a Republican big-wig be doing holed-up in a Super 8 Motel?  Then it occurred to me that this is about the only option available when you need to find a place where you can pay in cash – and by the hour.  Besides, when you’re in Oklahoma, a Super 8 Motel is probably the closest thing to a Trump Hotel they have.

 

In his defense, Senator Shorty’s attorneys are claiming their client is innocent and the police were just out to “Get Shortey.”  Which is possible, I mean he and the kid could have just been having themselves a grand old Bible study in that sleazy motel room.  You know, sharing their favorite verses from the Gideon Bible sitting on the nightstand.  In fact, that verse “Spare the rod, spoil the child” kinda comes to mind.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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Sean Spicer Says You Can Trust Trump If He’s Not Joking

Sean Spicer Says You Can Trust Trump If He’s Not Joking:  Peter Alexander of NBC News asked White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer whether people should trust the president to tell the truth, to which Spicer said “yes they can, unless he’s joking.”  Which is kind of an interesting response considering that as far as I can tell, the whole Trump presidency is basically a joke.  Let’s put it this way, if Trump were Pinocchio, his nose would stretch all the way to the Kremlin.

 

Low-Flow Toilets Required In California:  Under a recently passed law, California will become the first state in the nation to require low-flow toilets in virtually all homes, apartment houses and businesses.  Meanwhile, those opposed to the measure ask just “how low can you flow?”

 

Massive Water Reservoir Found Circling Giant Quasar:  Astronomers have discovered a water reservoir containing 140 trillion times the amount of water in all the Earth’s oceans circling around a distant quasar, making it the largest mass of water ever detected in the universe.  Good grief, you’re telling me even quasars have to deal with water retention?  What’s next?  Do all these stars make my galaxy look too fat?

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

CBO Says TrumpCare Means 24 Million More With No Healthcare

CBO Says TrumpCare Means 24 Million More With No Healthcare:  The Congressional Budget Office has determined that the new House Republican proposal to rewrite federal healthcare law would throw 24 million people off of health insurance, raise premiums for older, low-income Americans, while at the same time [providing] $285 billion in tax breaks for the top two percent.  Yea, but the important thing to remember is that each of those 24 million people will now be free to choose whichever plan they can’t afford.  Which made me think, does anyone remember back when Republicans actually cared about the poor and middle class?  Neither do I.

 

US Reportedly Planning Decapitation Attack Against Kim Jong-un:  Its being reported in a South Korean publication that US Navy’s SEAL Team 6 is helping to plan a “decapitation attack” aimed at taking out Kim Jong-un and much of North Korea’s political leadership.  Sounds like a really great idea!  And I’m sure the Chinese will be right on board with that one.  I mean hell, it’s only been about a hundred years since Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated.  That ended pretty well.

 

Kellyanne Conway Warns of Microwave Spying:  In a recent interview, Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway suggested that U.S. intelligence agents often spy on Americans using typical household appliances such as microwaves that can also be used as cameras.  Personally, I’m not all that concerned about my microwave, but I am becoming a little suspicious about my George Foreman Grill.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Nuns Accuse Katy Perry of Witchcraft

Nuns Accuse Katy Perry of Witchcraft:  In an ongoing battle with Katy Perry after she revealed she intends to purchase a former convent put up for sale by the Catholic Church, some of the nuns of the conservative Order of the Immaculate Heart of the Blessed Virgin Mary say they don’t approve of the singer’s lifestyle (read – she supports the LGBTQ community) and are now claiming that she is actually a witch.  Wow, what century are we in again?  I bet those nuns are just saying things like that out of habit.  That said, I’m guessing there are quite a few people out there who wouldn’t object to being put under a spell by Katy Perry.  Interesting when you consider you’ve got Satan living right in the White House – and they’re concerned about Katy Perry buying an old convent.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Daylight-Saving-T... 300w" sizes="(max-width: 150px) 100vw, 150px" />Researchers Say Daylight Saving Time Not So Great:  According to recent data, the switch to daylight saving time is responsible for an increase in heart attacks and strokes, more car accidents, reduced worker productivity and, country to what was once believed, does not cut the nation’s energy bill.  Good to know information.  The last thing we need is to be left in the dark about daylight saving time.

 

Hair Loss Drug Propecia Carries Impotency Risk:  The popular hair loss drug Propecia is now being linked to impotency and other long-term sexual problems.  So let me get this straight – guys are basically taking Propecia so they can get laid, but when they finally get the girls – they discover they’re now impotent?  Now that’s what I call really getting screwed!

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California
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