Wednesday , 22 November 2017

My latest Jokes

Man to Launch Himself in Homemade Rocket to Prove Earth Flat

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Flat-Earth-Rocket... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Flat-Earth-Rocket... 782w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Man to Launch Himself in Homemade Rocket to Prove Earth Flat:  Seeking to prove that a conspiracy of astronauts fabricated the shape of the Earth, a California man intends to prove the Earth is flat by launching himself 1,800 feet into the air at 500 miles per hour in a homemade, steam-powered rocket he built out of scrap metal.  So, to prove the Earth is flat, he’s gonna go “splat!”  I’m guessing he must have missed the last solar eclipse.  And he’ll be flying at an altitude of only 1800 feet?  Why we have buildings a lot taller than that.  And commercial jetliners frequently cruise at 30,000 feet.  Why put yourself through all this – when you can just buy an airline ticket to Cleveland and ask for a window seat?  On a positive note, he shouldn’t have any problem launching the thing, because President Trump just announced plans to repeal “The Law Of Gravity” as part of his promise to deregulate everything.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Roman-Ship-768x51... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Roman-Ship-1024x6... 1024w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Roman-Ship.jpg 1348w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Archeologists Find Roman Shipwrecks off Egypt’s Coast:  Egyptian officials report archaeologists have discovered three sunken shipwrecks dating back more than 2,000 years to Roman times off the coast of the city of Alexandria.  Alert Egyptian officials said that when the ships didn’t even show up after 2000 years, we felt something may have happened to them and that it was time to start looking.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Evolution-of-Huma... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Evolution-of-Huma... 1024w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Evolution-of-Huma... 1240w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />

Human Teeth Evolved from the Scales of Ancient Shark:  New evidence out of the University of Cambridge suggests that the teeth in your mouth have their origin in the scales of primitive shark-like fish.  Good – then maybe I’ll send them my dental bills.

 

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Moon Landing Truthers Say Photo is Proof of Faked Apollo Landing

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Moon-Truther-Phot... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Moon-Truther-Phot... 800w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Moon Landing Truthers Say Photo is Proof of Faked Apollo Landing:  Moon landing truthers – who have been claiming for years that the NASA moon landings are fake and actually filmed on a Hollywood soundstage and not the Moon – have been in a state of total excitation of late, thanks to a new picture posted recently on YouTube.  The picture appears to show an image of the individual who took the snapshot reflecting off an Apollo 17 astronaut’s visor – and now Moon truthers are claiming that this individual doesn’t even appear to have a spacesuit on and is probably a Hollywood stagehand and not another astronaut.

 

Well, I gotta say – it all sounds plausible to me.  I mean, when you think about it – all you’d really need to pull something like this off would be thousands and thousands of paid extras who would be willing to keep all this a secret for decades and decades, not to mention all the countries who would have been monitoring a US Moon landing such as the USSR, the People’s Republic of China and North Korea.  I’m sure they would all have been more than happy to go along with a scam like this as they would naturally wish to do anything they in their power to further enhance the prestige of the United States.  On the other hand, I think it’s fairly safe to assume that not many of these conspiracy theorists are rocket scientists.

 

That said, this YouTube pic is rather grainy.  I mean, for all I know, that image reflecting off the astronaut’s visor could be Harvey Weinstein getting ready to grope one of the actresses on the Moon soundstage, but he became distracted after he came upon a copy of Barack Obama’s birth certificate.  But hell, if you’re gonna go the conspiracy route, why stop at the moon landing?  I’ll bet Columbus’ voyage to America was staged too.   Meanwhile, not to be upstaged by a bunch of conspiracy theorist wannabes, ultra-conspiracy theorist Alex Jones is now claiming that he once had documented evidence that the moon landing was all staged, but unfortunately, all of that evidence has mysteriously disappeared somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle.

 

Now, I’m sure by now many of you are wondering – if this Moon landing was staged by Hollywood, how on “Earth” did they pull it off?  Well, I have my own theory.  First, NASA hires a prominent Hollywood director to film a fake Moon landing, but it soon becomes obvious to the producers that the cost of building such an elaborate set would be far too expensive for their budget.  So, in order to save money, the director gets a brilliant idea, why not film the entire fake Moon landing – right on location?  Mystery solved!

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Ohio Judge Who Boasted About Sex Conquests Apologizes

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Judge-ONeill2-768... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Judge-ONeill2.jpg 828w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Ohio Judge Who Boasted About Sex Conquests Apologizes:  Ohio gubernatorial candidate and sitting state Supreme Court Justice Bill O’Neill has issued an apology for boasting about having bedded 50 very attractive females, saying he was deeply sorry if he offended any of the “wonderful women” in his life.  He then went on to single out numbers 7, 19, 26 and 31 for special praise – about whose performance he described as “nothing short of “spectacular.”

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Earths-Rotation-S... 389w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Scientists Warn of Strong Earthquakes As Earth’s Rotation Slows:  A team of scientists are predicting that powerful earthquakes will double in 2018 as Earth’s rotation slows down.  Gee, first we have global warming and now it’s global slowing?  Wonder if the shaking will be measured on the Mueller or the Richter scale?  Anyway, about the only thing we can ever know for sure is – Sean Hannity will inevitably blame Hillary for this.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Coffee-Buzz.jpg 374w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Study Claims Coffee Buzz Just in Our Heads:  New research from the University of London has found that the “buzz” people get from coffee and other caffeinated beverages may very well “just be in our heads.”  Yea, and that sting we feel after paying nearly six dollars for coffee at Starbucks – may very well be “just in our wallets.”

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Televangelist Jim Bakker Demands Viewers Buy His Pancake Mix

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Jim-Bakker-Pancak... 533w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Televangelist Jim Bakker Demands Viewers Buy His Pancake Mix:  Disgraced televangelist Jim Bakker warned viewers that their grandchildren could face eternal damnation and President Trump possibly be assassinated unless they send him $60 (plus shipping and handling) for a bucket of the pancake mix which he is selling.  All I can say is, let this serve as a warning to all of you who think you can just eat at IHOP once in a while and still save your souls – the Lord isn’t fooled by that kind of crêpe.  In fact, I’m been thinking about designing a custom griddle that’ll put the image of Jesus on all these pancakes.  That ought to butter him up a bit.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Franklin-Graham-7... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Franklin-Graham-1... 1024w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Franklin-Graham.png 1449w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Franklin Graham Attacks Ray Moore Denouncers:  According to Evangelist Franklin Graham, those denouncing alleged pedophile and Alabama senatorial candidate Roy Moore “are guilty of doing much worse than what he has been accused of supposedly doing.”  Smart observation on the part of Reverend Graham.  I mean, if Alabama doesn’t elect this pervert to the Senate, next thing you know – hordes of transgenders will begin using public restrooms and our young people could be at risk of not believing everything they hear on Fox News.  Give him a break, the good pastor is only trying to give loyal Alabama Republicans a little Ray Moore of hope.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Dunkin’-Donuts-... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Dunkin’-Donuts-... 1024w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Florida Man Accused of Impersonating Cop for Discounted Doughnuts:  Florida police have arrested a man who was impersonating a cop so he could get discounted doughnuts at Dunkin’ Donuts.  Police say it was easy to spot the imposter by the glazed look on his face.  But there’s no point in sugar-coating this, this guy is going to jail and they’ll likely throw him right in the hole.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Believers Gather at First Ever Flat-Earth Conference

Believers Gather at First Ever Flat-Earth Conference:  The first-ever Flat Earth International Conference, aimed at disputing the idea that the world is round, has just wrapped up in North Carolina.  Gee, I was gonna attend, but I never got “around” to it.  OK, I really didn’t go because I was flat-broke.  Besides, what on Earth do they hope to accomplish anyway?  Don’t they know there’s nothing new under the sun?  Personally, I think a lot of guys just go to these conferences hoping to meet women by pretending to believe, but the women know its just flattery.

 

Only 10% of Americans Eat Enough Fruits and Vegetables:  According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), only a sliver (1 in 10) of Americans eat enough fresh fruits and vegetables.  The CDC warns that if the trend continues, they may be forced to implement a “no dessert until you eat all the veggies on your plate policy.”

 

Ohio Judge Brags About Having Sex With 50 Very Attractive Females:  An Ohio Supreme Court justice who is running for governor tried to get ahead of any Al Franken-type allegations of sexual misconduct against him by bragging in detail about his sexual conquests.  Yea, let me guess – they were all hookers?  But come on, you know he’s lying.  Everyone knows there’s not 50 attractive women in Ohio.  Especially when they remove their dentures.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

American Heart Association President Suffers Heart Attack

American Heart Association President Suffers Heart Attack:  The president of the American Heart Association, cardiologist Dr. John Warner, is reportedly resting comfortably after suffering a minor heart attack during the organization’s scientific conference taking place in Anaheim, California.  Fortunately for him, when the call went out “is there a doctor in the house?” – everyone in the entire room raised their hands.

 

Trump to Lift Ban on Importing Elephant Trophies from Africa:  The Trump administration has announced that it will lift the ban on elephant trophies from Zambia and Zimbabwe, reversing a 2014 ban under President Obama.  Must be Trump’s Christmas gift to his two sons.  What I find interesting about Trump lifting the ban is the GOP mascot is the elephant.  Now that’s what I call irony – or more accurately – ivory.

 

Texas Scientists Grow Human Lungs Inside Lab:  Scientists in Texas have successfully managed to grow a set of human lungs inside their lab, which they hope will eventually lead to a breakthrough for organ transplant recipients.  I find that almost unbelievable.  I mean, who could have ever imagined that there are scientists in Texas?

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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Leonardo da Vinci Painting Sells for Record $450 Million

Leonardo da Vinci Painting Sells for Record $450 Million:  A painting of Christ by the Renaissance master Leonardo da Vinci, has sold at auction for a record $450 million, obliterating previous records for artworks sold at auction or privately.  Wow, that’s one hell of a lot of money – especially when you consider Christ didn’t even pose for it.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Amish-in-Indiana.jpg 768w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Amish Mutation Protects Against Diabetes and May Extend Life:  According to a new study, Amish people living in a rural Indiana have a rare genetic mutation that protects them from Type 2 diabetes and appears to significantly extend their life spans.  Of course, the down side is – you have to live in rural Indiana – not to mention ride around in horse and buggies in sometimes sub-zero temperatures.  Hell, sounds a little like living in North Korea without all the benefits.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Sausage-Roll-Jesu... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Sausage-Roll-Jesu... 1024w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Sausage-Roll-Jesu... 1172w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Sausage Roll Instead of Jesus Nativity Scene Causes Stir:  UK chain bakery Greggs came under fire for an image of a nativity scene that put a sausage roll amid the three wise men in place of the baby Jesus.  The bakery defended the display, pointing out that “at least we can prove the existence of a sausage roll” – adding that “this one is from Jimmy Dean’s Finest Reserve.”

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Limbaugh Says Moore Was a Democrat When He Targeted Teen Girls

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Limbaugh-and-Moor... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Limbaugh-and-Moor... 1024w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Limbaugh-and-Moor... 1200w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Limbaugh Says Moore Was a Democrat When He Targeted Teen Girls:  Rush Limbaugh has added a new twist to those Republicans defending evangelical Alabama US Senate candidate Roy Moore, telling viewers that Moore was actually a Democrat during the period of time when he allegedly made sexual advances towards five teenage girls.

 

Now, of course, I’m no lawyer, but if I’m not mistaken – I believe in legal circles – that’s often referred to as the “OxyContin/Viagra defense.”  That said, Rush does make a valid point.  I mean, there was a time when groups like the KKK, religious bigots and other white supremacists were essentially all Southern Democrats…now, they’re all Republicans!

 

Anyway, I believe the point Rush is trying to make is that the Republican party has recruited most of these creeps, racists and pedophiles out of the Democratic Party and into their ranks.  Which kind of makes sense when you consider that pedophile Democrats like Anthony Weiner generally go to jail, while Republican pedophiles get elected to public office.  Hell, recent polls are even showing that Roy Moore’s popularity among evangelicals shot up like crazy after the pedophilia accusations against him became public.

 

Its almost as if when Moore realized he was a pedophile, Republicans told him “well then, you’re in the wrong party.  Come join us – the GOP has a big tent.”  I mean, even Donald Trump was a Democrat at one time.  Now Limbaugh – on the other hand, has always been an idiot.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Alabama Mall Banned Roy Moore in the ’80s for Pursuing Teens

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Roy-Moore.jpg 640w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Alabama Mall Banned Roy Moore in the ’80s for Pursuing Teens:  Former mall employees and local police have told the New Yorker that Alabama Republican Senate nominee Roy Moore was banned from a mall in the early 1980s for repeatedly attempting to pick up teenage girls.  In response, talk show host and Moore defender Sean Hannity told his listeners that while Moore may have been trying to pick up underage girls, at least he wasn’t trying to arrange uranium deals with them like Hillary.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Face-Recognition-... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Face-Recognition-... 1024w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Scientists Say Sheep Can Recognize Human Faces:  University of Cambridge scientists say sheep can be trained to recognize the faces of different people presented to them in pictures.  Lawyers for red states politicians say they’re advising clients not to be overly concerned, in that its very doubtful that the testimony of a sheep would hold up in a court of law.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Obese-Mice-768x57... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Obese-Mice.jpg 893w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Study Finds Resveratrol Extends Life of Obese Mice:  Researchers found they can extend the life of obese mice by 44% using a drug that mimics resveratrol, the ingredient of red wine believed to activate protective proteins.  Which kind of makes you wonder, just how many obese mice have to die before these fat rodents get the resveratrol they so desperately need?

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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Roger Goodell Wants $50M and Private Jet Use for Life

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Roger-Goodell-768... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Roger-Goodell-102... 1024w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Roger-Goodell.jpg 1050w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Roger Goodell Wants $50M and Private Jet Use for Life:  NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is reportedly demanding a salary increase from $30 million to $50 million a year, lifetime use of a private jet and lifetime health insurance for him and his family in contract renegotiation talks.  Gee, you can’t afford health insurance on a $50 million a year salary?

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Brett-Talley.jpg 600w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Trump’s Federal Judicial Nominee Has Never Tried a Case:  President Trump’s nominee for a lifetime appointment to a federal judgeship in Alabama has never tried a case in his life and has only been practicing law for three years.  Which makes perfect sense, once you consider he was basically appointed to the position by a “game show host.”  Once again, Trump continues to hire only the “best” people to fill these positions!

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Dime-Sized-frog-7... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Dime-Sized-frog-1... 1024w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Newly-Discovered Frog Smaller Than a Dime:  A Louisiana State University scientist claims to have discovered the smallest known vertebrate species on Earth – a tiny frog so small it is roughly the equivalent size of a dime.  That said, scientists say they may occasionally need to adjust the frog’s reported size in order to account for inflation.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Cretaceous Era Frilled Shark Found Swimming Off Coast of Portugal

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Frilled-Shark-768... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Frilled-Shark.jpg 800w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Cretaceous Era Frilled Shark Found Swimming Off Coast of Portugal:  A prehistoric, dinosaur-era shark with really bizarre-looking teeth – usually found at ocean depths as deep as 4200 ft – and of which scientists say has remained basically unchanged for the past 80 million years, has been found swimming off the coast of Portugal.

 

I don’t wanna sound cynical, but it looks more like an eel with tonsillitis to me, but what do I know?  But OK – should I ever find myself at 4200 ft below sea level off the coast of Portugal, I’ll be sure to look one up.  That said, now that they’ve actually got a photograph of the frilled shark – it’s almost like “the frill is gone.”

 

Surprisingly, scientists are claiming the animal hasn’t really changed in the last 80 million years – which I think is rather difficult to prove  – given that all the photographs we have from 80 million years ago are pretty yellow and grainy by now.  Plus, you can’t completely rule out the possibility that it may be lying about its age.

 

Meanwhile, fundamentalists claim this isn’t real and that the picture was photoshopped – which is just crazy if you ask me – because everyone knows Photoshop didn’t even exist back in the Cretaceous Period.  On the other hand, all Trump supporters want to know is will it taste good with tartar sauce all over it?  On a positive note, those familiar with the discovery say that – as far as we know, the creature has never been approached by Kevin Spacey.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Bodyguard Says Russian Offered to Send Trump Five Women

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Keith-Schiller.jpg 502w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Bodyguard Says Russian Offered to Send Trump Five Women:  President Trump’s former bodyguard Keith Schiller told Congressional investigators that a Russian involved in the 2013 Miss Universe pageant, offered to send five girls to Trump’s hotel room.  Somebody probably told Schiller that if you allow those women to come up to Trump’s room, it’ll mean urine trouble.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Antarctica-Superv... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Antarctica-Superv... 896w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />NASA Suspects Supervolcano Under Antarctica Waiting to Erupt:  NASA says a mantle plume producing almost as much heat as Yellowstone supervolcano appears to be melting part of West Antarctica from beneath.  As a precautionary measure, scientists urge all penguins who have the resources, to consider moving to East Antarctica.

 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Patagotitan-768x6... 768w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Patagotitan.jpg 941w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />Patagotitan is the New Heavyweight Champion of Dinosaurs:  Scientists say a plant-eating behemoth that lived 100 million years ago named Patagotitan has been crowned the new heavyweight champion of dinosaurs – weighing in at a whopping 76 tons, 122 feet long and 20 feet high.  What difference does it make?  My building has a “no pets policy” anyway.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California
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