Thursday , 25 August 2016

My latest Jokes

Earth-Like Planet Discovered Close to Our Solar System

Close Planet

Earth-Like Planet Discovered Close to Our Solar System:  In an article published by Nature World News, researchers announced the discovery of a new unnamed rocky “Earth-like” planet orbiting our nearest star Proxima Centauri, 4.25 light-years away from Earth.  The question we must now ask ourselves as a civilization is whether or not we will be able to reach that planet by the time Keith Richards has smoked his last cigarette.  At current rocket speeds, its estimated that we wouldn’t arrive there till about 9076.  Many scientists believe Keith Richards could be long dead by then.

 

Donlad TrumpTrump Used Campaign Donations to Buy $55,000 of His Own Book:  Experts say Donald Trump may have broken the law when used his campaign funds to buy thousands of copies of his own book at retail cost, simultaneously diverting donor money back into his pockets while artificially boosting his sales figures.  It stunts like this that make me think how ridiculous those people are who compare Trump to Adolf Hitler – I mean get serious folks – Hitler wrote his own book.

 

Kokomo StarbucksIndiana Tornado Completely Demolishes Starbucks Cafe:  Local officials say that its a miracle no one was injured after a tornado completely demolished a Starbucks cafe in Kokomo, Indiana.  Fortunately for coffee drinkers, there are two additional Starbucks, a Coffee Bean as well as a Peet’s Coffee directly across the street which were completely unaffected.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailby feather

Read More
Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Nine Million Americans Take Sleeping Pills

Sleeping PillsNine Million Americans Take Sleeping Pills:  A five-year government study concluded that Americans are drugging themselves to sleep more than ever, with nine million Americans now taking sleeping pills.  Call me old fashioned, but whatever happened to drinking yourself to sleep?

 

Bites PenisSnake Hiding in Toilet Bites Israeli Man’s Penis:  A 35-year-old Israeli man had to be rushed to the hospital after a snake suddenly emerged from the toilet and bit him on the penis.  Herpetologists are cautioning people against immediately concluding that the snake was gay.

 

Baby Squirrel MonkeyRussian Cat Caring for Baby Squirrel Monkey Video Goes Viral:  Video of a Russian cat who adopted a baby squirrel monkey after it was abandoned by his mother at a zoo, has gone viral on the internet.  Because of the kindly gesture on the part of the Russians, the little guy promised that – as soon as he’s grown – to do everything a baby squirrel monkey can possibly do to support the Russian occupation of the Ukraine’s Crimean peninsula.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailby feather

Read More
Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Ryan Lochte Dropped By All Four Commercial Sponsors

Ryan LochteRyan Lochte Dropped By All Four Commercial Sponsors:  After he falsely claimed he and three teammates had been held up by armed robbers at a Rio de Janeiro gas station, U.S. swimmer Ryan Lochte has been dropped by sponsors Speedo, Ralph Lauren, Airweave and Gentle Hair Removal.  On a positive note, the makers of Mad Dog 20/20 and Colt 45 Malt Liquor have generously agreed to pick him up.

 

Austrian WomanAustrian Woman Has Vandalized Over 1,000 Cars:  Police say the have no idea why a 35-year-old supposedly mentally ill woman in Styria, Austria, has spent more than half a decade scratching a zig-zag pattern into the paint jobs of local cars.  Now I’m no psychologist, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure that out, her family probably owns a body shop.

 

Melania TrumpMelania Trump Threatens Lawsuit Over Escort Claims:  Melania Trump, wife of the Republican nominee Donald Trump, is denying rumors published in the Daily Mail that she worked for an escort service two decades ago.  Good grief, a gorgeous Eastern European blonde immigrant working as an escort – say it an’t so!  So if Trump gets elected, would that make her our “First Lady of the Evening?”

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailby feather

Read More
Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Group Warns Target Boycott Failure Could Leave Christians With No Place to Pee

TargetGroup Warns Target Boycott Failure Could Leave Christians With No Place to Pee:  In a recent interview, the American Family Association’s Sandy Rios warned that should the Target boycott they’ve organized over the company’s transgender bathroom policy fail, transgender acceptance will spread like a virus and soon “Christians will no longer be able to go to the bathroom anywhere.”

 

Well, all I can say to that is “gee wiz!”  I went to an expert and asked him if what she’s saying is really true, that Christians may one day have no where to go to pee and he told me “well, that all Depends.”  One thing’s for sure, if things don’t go her way, she may be forced to start minding her pee’s and Q’s from now on.

 

And the surprising thing is that even though the boycott isn’t lost yet, Rios sounds as if she’s already really pissed!  I guess that can happen when you cause a big stink over who’s using the bathroom.  Meanwhile, some impatient Target customers are asking “why can’t she just pee in the alley like the US Olympic swimmers?”  Either that or give her a paper cup and some lamb’s blood and ask her to squat down behind the linen display on isle 43.

 

A frustrated Target spokesperson told me they’ve reached out to Rios and the American Family Association numerous times, trying to reassure them that their bathroom policy is actually quite Republican in nature, in that its loosely modeled after Ronald Reagan’s trickle-down economics of the 1980’s, but Rios vigorously maintains that Target’s transgender bathroom policy is a clear violation of her “religious peedom” and that the American Family Association will not be satisfied until upskirt cameras – checking every patron’s gender – are installed at all the entrances to Target’s restrooms.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailby feather

Read More
Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Conservatives Fear Obama LGBT Plot to Take Over Red States

Dyke DynastyConservatives Fear Obama LGBT Plot to Take Over Red States:  Many conservative talk show hosts are expressing grave concerns about what they believe is a plot by the Obama administration to infiltrate rural American communities with “lesbian and transgender hillbillies” who will attempt to turn formerly Republican strongholds into Democratic majorities.  Wow, if I understanding this correctly, I guess we’re talking about creating kind of a “Dyke Dynasty.”

 

 

John Fisher JrAlabama Tea Party Talk Show Host Busted for Meth Trafficking:  Tuscaloosa conservative talk show host and former Tea Party candidate for the Alabama state legislature John Fisher Jr., has been arrested and charged with manufacturing and trafficking crystal meth.  Well, guess that’s another fine meth he’s gotten himself into!

 

Donald Trumphttp://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/Donald-Trump-4-30... 300w, http://www.johnnyrobish.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/Donald-Trump-4.jpg 600w" sizes="(max-width: 150px) 100vw, 150px" />Trump Vows to Get 95% of the African American Vote:  During a recent rally in Dimondale, Michigan, Republican Donald Trump again made a direct appeal to black voters, asking them “What do you have nothing to lose by voting for something new like Donald Trump?  Well, let’s start with healthcare, voting rights and personal dignity.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailby feather

Read More
Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Florida Student Kills Couple and Eats Victims Face

CannibalFlorida Student Kills Couple and Eats Victims Face:  Officials say a 19-year-old Florida State University student about whom friends describe as “a smart guy with lots of potential,” was having dinner with his family when he became angry, stormed out of the restaurant, killed two people and ate one victim’s face before being subdued.  Good grief, I’ve been to some terrible restaurants before, but the food couldn’t have been that bad could it?  This story sounds like the text book definition of the phrase “well, that sure escalated quickly!”  As for this guy having “lots of potential – sure he had potential!  Especially when considering all those faces out there that still remain uneaten.

 

Alzheimer’s GeneAlzheimer’s Gene May Show Effects in Childhood:  A new study suggests that a gene related to Alzheimer’s disease may start to show effects on brain structure and mental sharpness as early as preschool.  So that’s why kids forget to do their homework and clean-up their rooms.  Who could have known?

 

DiplomaWoman Receives High School Diploma 88 Years Late:  A 106-year-old woman finally received her high school diploma 88 years after she refused to read a required book in order to get her diploma.  On a sad note, friends say her one-time dream of heading off to college on an athletic scholarship seems pretty unlikely at this point.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailby feather

Read More
Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Site Tip!

Did you know that we have thousands of comedy topics? You can click on the large topic image in a joke or video for more hilarity on that subject or use the search to find what you are looking for.

Ford to Sell Driverless Cars By 2021

Driverless carsFord to Sell Driverless Cars By 2021: Ford announced that they plan to begin selling driverless cars in the year 2021, beginning a new era in car travel. I guess when you make cars that nobody wants to drive, driverless cars are about the only way to go.

 

79Woman Kills Boyfriend with Stiletto Heel:  What started with a Houston couple having a pleasant dinner and drinks at a local restaurant, ended up in a heated argument and the girl killing her boyfriend with the stiletto heel of her shoe.  I have no idea what they were arguing about, but it sounds like he got the point.

 

AilesTrump Campaign Denies Ailes Prepping Trump for Debates:  The Trump Campaign is denying rumors that Roger Ailes, who was fired as Fox news chief after widespread accusations of sexual harassment surfaced, has been coaching Donald Trump for his upcoming debates against Hillary Clinton.  Well, I suppose if Trump spends the first ten minutes commenting on the moderator’s breasts, I think it would be safe to assume that Ailes coached him.  After all, Ailes was know around Fox as a master debater.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailby feather

Read More
Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Ohio Man Arrested After Having Sex With A Van

Sex With VanOhio Man Arrested After Having Sex With A Van:  A Dayton, Ohio man is in custody and facing indecency charges after a witness reported seeing him attempt to have sex with the front grill of a van parked on the street.

 

Wow, sounds like the witness must have caught him in her headlights.  The guy at first tried to tell police that “the van was asking for it,” but after Police grilled him, he finally admitted he became attracted to the vehicle because of the “junk in the trunk,” and the fact it had keyless entry.

 

Hell, he was already living in someone’s garage, so he figured why not take things to the next level?  Luckily for him, the van happened was over 18 years old.  One thing’s for sure, after having sex with a huge van, he had to be totally exhausted.  Maybe he should have had a V8.  Even so, as he was leaving, he still asked a nearby parked bicycle to have sex, but the bike refused because it was two tired.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailby feather

Read More
Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Piranhas With Human-Like Teeth Found in Michigan

PiranhaPiranhas With Human-Like Teeth Found in Michigan:  Three large “vegetarian piranhas” with human-like teeth discovered in Michigan are causing environmentalists growing concern over tropical and invasive fish infiltrating the Great Lakes region.

 

Vegetarian Piranhas with human-like teeth?  Yeah, well good luck trying to find a reputable dentist willing to work on a Piranha, even if they are vegetarian.  And I suppose the only way you’ll ever can get them to floss would be buy them one of those Waterpiks.  To make matters worse, it looks to me like the fish in that picture needs braces.  Who’s supposed to pay for that?  There are even reports that these Piranhas have now been spotted in places like Kentucky, only most of these fish appear to be missing many of their teeth.

 

Frankly, I never thought I’d live to see the day when we have Piranhas who feel just as comfortable inside a Whole Foods Market as they do swimming in a large body of water.  Thanks Obama!  Not surprisingly, the Trump Campaign is claiming these Piranhas are taking the jobs away from good American fish.  They say the only solution is to build a wall around the Great Lakes and make the piranhas pay for it.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailby feather

Read More
Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Site Tip!

Did you know that comedians love it when you spread their jokes around? Check out our nifty share options () that help you help them at the bottom of each post.

California Has Forty-Two Infants in Their Gang Database

Baby Gang MemberCalifornia Has Forty-Two Infants in Their Gang Database:  An audit of California’s state gang database, CalGang, found 42 individuals in the database who were less than one year old at the time of of entry.  Police say they most likely belong to either the “Cribs” or the “Grandsons of Anarchy.”  Authorities say a good way for a parent to detect possible gang affiliation is if the child says things like “you wanna give me another swig of that formula bitch?”

 

SubwayWoman Gives Birth in Bathroom of Subway Restaurant:  A woman in Nevada has given birth to a healthy baby boy in the bathroom of a Subway restaurant.  Guess she must have misunderstood the “we deliver” sign posted in the window.

 

Donald Trump Holds Campaign Rally In Fort WorthTrump Calls for Extreme Vetting of Immigrants:  During a recent speech in Youngstown, Ohio, Donald Trump called for “extreme vetting” of people looking to immigrate to or visit the United States, including an ideological screening test to weed out those who don’t “share our values and respect our people.”  One thing’s for sure, if Trump starts “vetting” new immigrants like he “vetted” his immigrant wives, they can pretty much figure they’re gonna get screwed.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailby feather

Read More
Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Evangelist Claims Homosexual Lobby Stole Marriage and the Rainbow

Rainbow ThievesEvangelist Claims Homosexual Lobby Stole Marriage and the Rainbow:  Walker Weldon of the American Family Association, is accusing the “homosexual lobby” of not only stealing marriage, but also stealing the rainbow, both of which are God-created and don’t belong to them.

 

Wow, that’s pretty serious.  You can go to prism for stealing a rainbow.  They ought to be locked up with all the other violet criminals and the sentence should be increased with every refraction.  And the really sad thing is, God can’t even sue to get the rainbows back, because Hell has all the lawyers.  To make matters worse, the fact that the Democrats are using the color blue to symbolize their party, means the LGBT community and Obama apparently have also stolen the sky.

 

All I can say is, its lucky that someone has finally made “light” of this rainbow theft!  It gives us a ray of hope.  After all, who could’ve envisioned a world where, every time an innocent child looks up at the sky and sees a rainbow, they’re gonna turn gay?  Its almost like “and God said let there be light, and he saw that it was simply fabulous.”  That’s almost enough to make any self-respecting homophobe turn green with envy.

 

Perhaps its time to once again fill the skies with a clear message to these dastardly rainbow thieves – “Surrender Dorothy!”

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailby feather

Read More
Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Trump Spokesperson Denounces Obama Over Invasion of Afghanistan

Katrina PiersonTrump Spokesperson Denounces Obama Over Invasion of Afghanistan:  During an appearance on CNN, Trump spokesperson Katrina Pierson basically claimed that President Obama destabilized the Middle East when he made the decision to invade Afghanistan.

 

Wow, all I can say is, Trump University don’t graduate no dummies!  So, if I’m understanding the Trump people correctly, Barack Obama is not only a LGBT-loving Muslim who drinks alcohol and eats pork, but also a time traveler who was able to A) slip back in time to 2001, B) convince our military that he, and not George W. Bush was president, C) instruct US forces invade Afghanistan, D) overthrow the terrorist group the Taliban and E) do all this with the devious intent of coming back at a later time to F) kill Osama bin Laden and then G) form yet another terrorist group called ISIS – many of whose leaders he will then order to be killed.  And to think he did it all while regularly attending Reverend Jeremiah Wright’s Trinity United Church of Christ as a practicing Muslim.  Man – this guy is really good!

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailby feather

Read More
Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California
Most Popular